第一章 留存待取（1）

The writer of these humble lines being a Waiter, and having come of a family of Waiters, and owning at the present time five brothers who are all Waiters, and likewise an only sister who is a Waitress, would wish to offer a few words respecting his calling; first having the pleasure of hereby in a friendly manner offering the Dedication of the same unto JOSEPH, much respected Head Waiter at the Slamjam Coffee—house, London, E. C., than which a individual more eminently deserving of the name of man, or a more amenable honour to his own head and heart, whether considered in the light of a Waiter or regarded as a human being, do not exist.

此篇陋作是一个茶房写的。他出身于茶房世家，目前他的五个弟弟都在当茶房，唯一的妹妹也是茶房，他想就他的职业说几句话。首先在此，他希望以友好的态度将此作献给约瑟夫，伦敦中东区斯拉姆杰姆咖啡馆的年高德劭的茶房领班。不论是从一个茶房的角度还是从做人的角度来看，没有人比他更配得上人这个称号，或者比他在才智与心肠方面更享有盛誉了。

In case confusion should arise in the public mind (which it is open to confusion on many subjects) respecting what is meant or implied by the term Waiter, the present humble lines would wish to offer an explanation.

为了不使 “茶房” 这个词的含义与内涵在公众的心目中引起混淆（在很多问题上都很容易产生这种混淆），此篇拙作希望可以给出关于这个词语的说明。

It may not be generally known that the person as goes out to wait is NOT a Waiter. It may not be generally known that the hand as is called in extra, at the Freemasons' Tavern, or the London, or the Albion, or otherwise, is NOT a Waiter. Such hands may be took on for Public Dinners by the bushel (and you may know them by their breathing with difficulty when in attendance, and taking away the bottle ere yet it is half out); but such are NOT Waiters. For you cannot lay down the tailoring, or the shoemaking, or the brokering, or the green—grocering, or the pictorial—periodicalling, or the second—hand wardrobe, or the small fancy businesses, —you cannot lay down those lines of life at your will and pleasure by the half—day or evening, and take up Waitering. You may suppose you can, but you cannot; or you may go so far as to say you do, but you do not. Nor yet can you lay down the gentleman's service when stimulated by prolonged incompatibility on the part of Cooks (and here it may be remarked that Cooking and Incompatibility will be mostly found united), and take up Waitering. It has been ascertained that what a gentleman will sit meek under, at home, he will not bear out of doors, at the Slamjam or any similar establishment. Then, what is the inference to be drawn respecting true Waitering? You must be bred to it. You must be born to it.

并非所有的人都知道，出去等着给人端茶倒水的并不能称为茶房。也并非所有的人都知道，那些在共济会的客房里，或者在伦敦，英格兰等地忙不过来的时候叫的帮手也并非茶房。在举行一些盛大的宴会时，根据需求会找寻一些帮手（这些人很好识别，他们招呼客人的时候呼吸困难，酒瓶里的酒还有一半就给收走），但这些跑腿的算不得茶房。因为不管你是裁缝，是鞋匠，是经纪人，是卖蔬菜水果的，是给杂志画插图的，是做买卖二手衣物的，还是卖小玩意的，你都不能随心所欲地在某个中午或者晚上丢下这些活计，干起茶房来。你或许以为自己能，其实你不能；你甚至会以为自己行，其实你也不行。如果你在一位先生那里当帮佣，由于长期以来不能与厨子们友好相处（顺便说下，厨子总是很难相处的），你也不能一气之下就丢下差事，干起茶房来。有一点是肯定的，一个体面的人在家里可以低声下气、逆来顺受，但出了家门，在像斯拉姆杰姆咖啡馆这样的地方可绝对不会这样。那么，什么是真正意义上的茶房呢？你必须自幼就受这方面的熏陶。你必须生来就有这方面的天赋。

Would you know how born to it, Fair Reader, —if of the adorable female sex? Then learn from the biographical experience of one that is a Waiter in the sixty—first year of his age.

美丽的读者——如果您是一位可爱的女性的话——您可知道什么样才是生来就能干茶房吗？那您就从这个已经61岁的老茶房的平生经历中了解一下吧。

You were conveyed, —ere yet your dawning powers were otherwise developed than to harbour vacancy in your inside, —you were conveyed, by surreptitious means, into a pantry adjoining the Admiral Nelson, Civic and General Dining—Rooms, there to receive by stealth that healthful sustenance which is the pride and boast of the British female constitution. Your mother was married to your father (himself a distant Waiter) in the profoundest secrecy; for a Waitress known to be married would ruin the best of businesses, —it is the same as on the stage. Hence your being smuggled into the pantry, and that—to add to the infliction—by an unwilling grandmother. Under the combined influence of the smells of roast and boiled, and soup, and gas, and malt liquors, you partook of your earliest nourishment; your unwilling grandmother sitting prepared to catch you when your mother was called and dropped you; your grandmother's shawl ever ready to stifle your natural complainings; your innocent mind surrounded by uncongenial cruets, dirty plates, dish—covers, and cold gravy; your mother calling down the pipe for veals and porks, instead of soothing you with nursery rhymes. Under these untoward circumstances you were early weaned. Your unwilling grandmother, ever growing more unwilling as your food assimilated less, then contracted habits of shaking you till your system curdled, and your food would not assimilate at all. At length she was no longer spared, and could have been thankfully spared much sooner. When your brothers began to appear in succession, your mother retired, left off her smart dressing (she had previously been a smart dresser), and her dark ringlets (which had previously been flowing), and haunted your father late of nights, lying in wait for him, through all weathers, up the shabby court which led to the back door of the Royal Old Dust—Bin (said to have been so named by George the Fourth), where your father was Head. But the Dust—Bin was going down then, and your father took but little, —excepting from a liquid point of view. Your mother's object in those visits was of a house—keeping character, and you was set on to whistle your father out. Sometimes he came out, but generally not. Come or not come, however, all that part of his existence which was unconnected with open Waitering was kept a close secret, and was acknowledged by your mother to be a close secret, and you and your mother flitted about the court, close secrets both of you, and would scarcely have confessed under torture that you know your father, or that your father had any name than Dick (which wasn't his name, though he was never known by any other), or that he had kith or kin or chick or child. Perhaps the attraction of this mystery, combined with your father's having a damp compartment, to himself, behind a leaky cistern, at the Dust—Bin, —a sort of a cellar compartment, with a sink in it, and a smell, and a plate—rack, and a bottle—rack, and three windows that didn't match each other or anything else, and no daylight, —caused your young mind to feel convinced that you must grow up to be a Waiter too; but you did feel convinced of it, and so did all your brothers, down to your sister. Every one of you felt convinced that you was born to the Waitering. At this stage of your career, what was your feelings one day when your father came home to your mother in open broad daylight, —of itself an act of Madness on the part of a Waiter, —and took to his bed (leastwise, your mother and family's bed), with the statement that his eyes were devilled kidneys. Physicians being in vain, your father expired, after repeating at intervals for a day and a night, when gleams of reason and old business fitfully illuminated his being, "Two and two is five. And three is sixpence. " Interred in the parochial department of the neighbouring churchyard, and accompanied to the grave by as many Waiters of long standing as could spare the morning time from their soiled glasses (namely, one), your bereaved form was attired in a white neckankecher, and you was took on from motives of benevolence at The George and Gridiron, theatrical and supper. Here, supporting nature on what you found in the plates (which was as it happened, and but too often thoughtlessly, immersed in mustard), and on what you found in the glasses (which rarely went beyond driblets and lemon), by night you dropped asleep standing, till you was cuffed awake, and by day was set to polishing every individual article in the coffee—room. Your couch being sawdust; your counterpane being ashes of cigars. Here, frequently hiding a heavy heart under the smart tie of your white neckankecher (or correctly speaking lower down and more to the left), you picked up the rudiments of knowledge from an extra, by the name of Bishops, and by calling plate—washer, and gradually elevating your mind with chalk on the back of the corner—box partition, until such time as you used the inkstand when it was out of hand, attained to manhood, and to be the Waiter that you find yourself.

在你其他能力尚未萌生，只知道填饱肚子的时候，你便被偷偷摸摸地带进纳尔逊海军上将纪念碑附近的大众餐馆的餐具间，在那儿偷偷地接受英国女性身体中值得自豪与炫耀的强身健体的养分。你的母亲嫁给你的父亲（他在别处当茶房）是万分机密的，因为一个女茶房如果被人知道她已婚的话，会对她的活计大大地不利——就如同舞台上的演员们一样。于是你被偷运进餐具间，而且——雪上加霜的是——带你去的祖母又极不情愿。在混合了烤肉、炖菜、汤汁、煤气和麦芽酒的气味中，你汲取了你最早期的养料；你的那位极不情愿的祖母坐在一旁，等着接住你，因为一旦你的母亲被唤走，就得把你放下；祖母的围巾随时准备捂住你自然的哭喊声；在你的周围是与你纯真的心灵极不相称的油盐酱醋、脏盘子、盘盖子，还有冷肉卤；你的母亲没有给你唱催眠曲抚慰你，而是天天尖声高喊牛排猪肉。处于这些不利的环境中，你早早的就断了奶。因为你变得消化不良，你那极不情愿的祖母变得更不耐烦了。她养成了不停地摇晃你的习惯，一直把你摇到消化系统失灵，根本不能消化食物。最终她也在劫难逃地死去了，若能再早点脱离苦海，就要谢天谢地了。随着你的弟弟们相继出世，你的母亲辞去了工作，从此脱下了她漂亮的衣服（她以前不管穿什么都很漂亮）也不再将乌黑的头发梳成小卷（以前，卷发总是在脑后晃来晃去的）。每到深夜，无论天气如何，她总是在北面的一个破院子里等着你的父亲，这个院子直通皇家垃圾箱饭店的后门（据说这个名字是乔治四世御赐的），你的父亲就在那里当领班。但是那个时候皇家垃圾箱饭店的生意已经开始走下坡路了，你的父亲挣得很少——除了在酒这个方面。你母亲多次探访的目的就是为了维持家用，她还派你去那里吹哨子，叫你的父亲出来。有些时候他出来，但是一般都不会出来。不管他出来不出来，他的这部分生活虽与公开的茶房活计毫无关系，也是要严守秘密的，对此你的母亲也非常赞同。你和你的母亲在院子里躲躲闪闪，严格保守秘密，即使被严刑逼供也不会承认你们认识你的父亲，或者承认他除了迪克这个名字之外还有其他名字（迪克并不是他的真名，虽然人人都叫他迪克），也不会承认他有任何的亲人家属、老婆孩子。或许正是这种吸引人的神秘气氛，加上你父亲自己在垃圾箱饭店里所住的潮湿房间——它位于漏水的水箱后面，有点像地下室，室内有一个水槽，一股霉味，一只餐具架，一只酒瓶架，还有三扇彼此形状都不尽相同的窗户，没有一点光线——使得你年轻的心灵切实地感觉到你长大后也一定要当茶房，不光是你这样觉得，你的几个弟弟甚至你的妹妹都这样认为。你们每一个人都很确信你们生来就是当茶房的。在你人生的这个阶段，突然有一天，你的父亲在白日里回到了家中，来到你母亲身边，你会有什么样的感受？——这种行为对于茶房本身来说，无异于发疯——然后他躺在床上（也是你母亲与你全家人的床）说他的两只眼睛疼得就像蘸了芥末的腰子。医生也无能为力，你的父亲还是咽了气。他折腾了一天一夜，时而清醒，时而糊涂，念念不忘他的老本行，断断续续地念叨着： “二加二等于五，三个是六便士” 之类的胡话。他葬在附近的教区墓地上，那天上午，凡是干了一辈子这个行当又能暂时丢下手里脏杯子的，都去为他送了行（也就一个）。于是失去了父亲的你围上白围巾，在人们的关照下，被领入了乔治烤肉歌舞夜餐馆。在这里，你靠着盘子里的剩饭充饥（这也需要碰运气，通常不知为何，盘子里就剩下点芥末），渴了就喝点杯子里剩下的（一般就是几滴水和一片柠檬）。晚上，你站着站着就睡着了，直到被一巴掌打醒；到了白天，你又被指派去清洗咖啡馆里的每一件用品。你的床上铺满锯屑，床单上尽是雪茄烟灰。在这里，你的重重心事隐藏在白围巾挽成的漂亮领结下（准确地说是再靠下、靠左一点），你的额外收获是通过记住主教的名字、招呼洗碟子的人而掌握了一些入门知识。逐渐地，你开始在角落包厢的隔板背后用粉笔练字提高修养，直到你可以在没人用墨水的时候使用墨水，就这样，你慢慢长大，发现自己成了一个茶房。

I could wish here to offer a few respectful words on behalf of the calling so long the calling of myself and family, and the public interest in which is but too often very limited. We are not generally understood. No, we are not. Allowance enough is not made for us. For, say that we ever show a little drooping listlessness of spirits, or what might be termed indifference or apathy. Put it to yourself what would your own state of mind be, if you was one of an enormous family every member of which except you was always greedy, and in a hurry. Put it to yourself that you was regularly replete with animal food at the slack hours of one in the day and again at nine p.m., and that the repleter you was, the more voracious all your fellow—creatures came in. Put it to yourself that it was your business, when your digestion was well on, to take a personal interest and sympathy in a hundred gentlemen fresh and fresh (say, for the sake of argument, only a hundred), whose imaginations was given up to grease and fat and gravy and melted butter, and abandoned to questioning you about cuts of this, and dishes of that, —each of 'em going on as if him and you and the bill of fare was alone in the world. Then look what you are expected to know. You are never out, but they seem to think you regularly attend everywhere. "What's this, Christopher, that I hear about the smashed Excursion Train? " "How are they doing at the Italian Opera, Christopher? " "Christopher, what are the real particulars of this business at the Yorkshire Bank? " Similarly a ministry gives me more trouble than it gives the Queen. As to Lord Palmerston, the constant and wearing connection into which I have been brought with his lordship during the last few years is deserving of a pension. Then look at the Hypocrites we are made, and the lies (white, I hope) that are forced upon us! Why must a sedentary—pursuited Waiter be considered to be a judge of horseflesh, and to have a most tremendous interest in horse—training and racing? Yet it would be half our little incomes out of our pockets if we didn't take on to have those sporting tastes. It is the same (inconceivable why! ) with Farming.

在这里，我想就我的职业说一些恭敬的话。到目前为止，它仍是我自己与家人的职业，而一般很少有人对它感兴趣。一般来说，人们并不理解我们。是的，不理解。我们得不到足够的体谅。比如说，大家说我们经常是一副无精打采的样子，或者说我们漠不关心、冷冷冰冰。换作是你，除了自己以外，还有一大家子人在等吃等喝，你的精神状态会是怎样？你只能在下午一点和晚上九点生意清淡的时候吃点肉，而且只有越多的客人光顾，他们消费得越多，你才能吃到越多的肉。换作是你，你会怎样？正当你的消化欲望无比强烈的时候，你却不得不一遍又一遍地招呼一百位陆续光临的顾客（为了便于讨论，我就暂且说只有一百位），他们满脑子都在想黄油、肥肉、肉卤和黄油酱，不厌其烦地问你这块肉是什么肉，那盘菜叫什么菜，仿佛整个世界上只有你、他和菜单。换作是你，你会如何？那么再来看看你还需要掌握些什么知识。你从不离开餐厅到外面去，但是他们总是以为你无处不去。 “克里斯托弗，我听说游览火车撞车了，这是怎么一回事？” “克里斯托弗，意大利歌剧院这几天演什么呢？” “克里斯托弗，约克郡银行的实际业务情况究竟怎么样啊？” 同样地，内阁部门给我造成的麻烦比他们给女王的还多。至于帕默斯顿勋爵，在过去的几年中我时常为他提供服务，为他不辞辛苦，这让我都有资格得到一份补贴金了。再有，看看我们所充当的伪君子，以及我们不得不说的谎话（我希望是善意的谎言）！为什么一个每天候在店里被使唤的茶房必须会鉴定马的优劣，还要对驯马、赛马有着浓厚的兴趣？然而如果我们对于这些运动没有兴趣的话，我们口袋里的本就不多的小费就会减少一半。对于耕种也是这样（真是令人费解）。

Shooting, equally so. I am sure that so regular as the months of August, September, and October come round, I am ashamed of myself in my own private bosom for the way in which I make believe to care whether or not the grouse is strong on the wing (much their wings, or drumsticks either, signifies to me, uncooked! ), and whether the partridges is plentiful among the turnips, and whether the pheasants is shy or bold, or anything else you please to mention.

打猎也是这样。我知道，如同八月、九月和十月总是依次到来一样，我在内心里一直深深为自己感到羞耻的，因为我必须装着十分关心松鸡的翅膀有没有长硬（多数时候是鸡翅，有时是鸡腿，仿佛它们对我来说很重要似的，何况还是没熟的！）；我还得假装非常关心芜菁地里的山鹑多不多，野鸡怕不怕人，或者你们随便提出的任何问题。

Yet you may see me, or any other Waiter of my standing, holding on by the back of the box, and leaning over a gentleman with his purse out and his bill before him, discussing these points in a confidential tone of voice, as if my happiness in life entirely depended on 'em.

然而你们会看到，当一位先生掏出钱包把账单拿到面前时，我或者我的同行就会把手搭在包厢隔板的背面，哈着腰，推心置腹地与他讨论着这些问题，仿佛这关系着我们生活中所有的幸福。

I have mentioned our little incomes. Look at the most unreasonable point of all, and the point on which the greatest injustice is done us! Whether it is owing to our always carrying so much change in our right—hand trousers—pocket, and so many halfpence in our coat—tails, or whether it is human nature (which I were loth to believe), what is meant by the everlasting fable that Head Waiters is rich? How did that fable get into circulation? Who first put it about, and what are the facts to establish the unblushing statement? Come forth, thou slanderer, and refer the public to the Waiter's will in Doctors' Commons supporting thy malignant hiss! Yet this is so commonly dwelt upon—especially by the screws who give Waiters the least—that denial is vain; and we are obliged, for our credit's sake, to carry our heads as if we were going into a business, when of the two we are much more likely to go into a union. There was formerly a screw as frequented the Slamjam ere yet the present writer had quitted that establishment on a question of teaing his assistant staff out of his own pocket, which screw carried the taunt to its bitterest height. Never soaring above threepence, and as often as not grovelling on the earth a penny lower, he yet represented the present writer as a large holder of Consols, a lender of money on mortgage, a Capitalist. He has been overheard to dilate to other customers on the allegation that the present writer put out thousands of pounds at interest in Distilleries and Breweries. "Well, Christopher, " he would say (having grovelled his lowest on the earth, half a moment before), "looking out for a House to open, eh? Can't find a business to be disposed of on a scale as is up to your resources, humph? " To such a dizzy precipice of falsehood has this misrepresentation taken wing, that the well—known and highly—respected OLD CHARLES, long eminent at the West Country Hotel, and by some considered the Father of the Waitering, found himself under the obligation to fall into it through so many years that his own wife (for he had an unbeknown old lady in that capacity towards himself) believed it! And what was the consequence? When he was borne to his grave on the shoulders of six picked Waiters, with six more for change, six more acting as pall—bearers, all keeping step in a pouring shower without a dry eye visible, and a concourse only inferior to Royalty, his pantry and lodgings was equally ransacked high and low for property, and none was found! How could it be found, when, beyond his last monthly collection of walking—sticks, umbrellas, and pocket—handkerchiefs (which happened to have been not yet disposed of, though he had ever been through life punctual in clearing off his collections by the month), there was no property existing? Such, however, is the force of this universal libel, that the widow of Old Charles, at the present hour an inmate of the Almshouses of the Cork—Cutters' Company, in Blue Anchor Road (identified sitting at the door of one of 'em, in a clean cap and a Windsor arm—chair, only last Monday), expects John's hoarded wealth to be found hourly! Nay, ere yet he had succumbed to the grisly dart, and when his portrait was painted in oils life—size, by subscription of the frequenters of the West Country, to hang over the coffee—room chimney—piece, there were not wanting those who contended that what is termed the accessories of such a portrait ought to be the Bank of England out of window, and a strong—box on the table. And but for better—regulated minds contending for a bottle and screw and the attitude of drawing, —and carrying their point, —it would have been so handed down to posterity.

我曾提到过我们微薄的收入。现在来看看最不合理的一点吧，这是我们所受到的最不公平的待遇！也许是由于我们右边口袋里总是装着不少零钱，也许是由于我们上衣后摆里总是放了不少半便士铜币，又或许是人类的本性（我不愿意相信是这样的），大家总是说茶房领班都很有钱，这到底是什么意思呢？这种流言是怎么流传起来的呢？是谁开的头，他又凭什么说出这些不知脸红的话呢？站出来，你这个造谣诽谤的家伙，将法院公证过的茶房的遗嘱拿来给大家看看，来证明你的恶言呀！然而谣言流传得如此之广——尤其是在那些给茶房小费最少的那些吝啬鬼们中间——否认也白搭；为了我们自己的面子，我们不得不抬头挺胸装出一副如果有人愿意，我们就会合伙和他做生意的势头。原先这里有个经常光顾斯拉姆杰姆咖啡馆的小气鬼。那时候，现在的笔者还没有因为自己掏腰包请手下人喝茶而离开斯拉姆杰姆咖啡馆，那个小气鬼总是对我们横加嘲讽。他给的小费从没超过三便士，也从不愿多掏一便士，然而他却说我的手里持有大量的统一公债券，还放高利贷，是个资本家。有人无意中听到他夸大其辞地对别的顾客宣称，我将数千英镑放贷给酿造房和啤酒厂，从中收取利息。 “好啊，克里斯托弗， “他总对我说（就在刚刚给了很少的小费之后）， “找个店面开张怎么样啊？” “怎么，凭你的财力，还找不到合适的投资项目吗？” 总之，谣言像长了翅膀似的满天飞，弄得人们头晕目眩，难辨真伪，以至于那位德高望重、在西城旅馆久负盛誉、甚至被一些人看作是茶房之父的老查尔斯这么多年来也辩解不清，甚至他的妻子（他也有一位不为人知的老太太在为他履行妻子的职责）都信以为真。那么结果又如何呢？他下葬时，有六个被选中的茶房抬着他，身后还有六个等着替换的，六个护柩的，所有的人痛哭流涕，没有一只眼睛是干的，这样的送葬规模仅次于皇家待遇。回来后，他的餐具室和住处也被上上下下搜索了一遍，却什么也没找到。怎么能够找到？他的遗物除了上个月捡到的一根拐杖、几把伞和一些手绢（恰好是他还没有处理掉的，他这一生总是每月定时清理这些东西），再无它物。这就是无处不在的诽谤的力量。老查尔斯的遗孀目前尽管已经住进了位于蓝锚路上的软木塞开发公司的养老院，（上周一我还在养老院门口看见过她，她带着整洁的帽子，与其他人一起坐在温莎扶手椅里），仍然在想着说不定哪一天就会找到约翰藏的财宝呢！不仅如此，在他化为尘埃之前，西城饭店的常客们就凑钱为他画了一幅真人大小的油画挂在餐厅的壁炉架上。有些客人表示不喜欢，他们挑刺说，这幅画应该多一些衬托的东西，比如在窗外画上英格兰银行或者在桌子上画上保险箱等等。但也有一些脑子比较清醒的人指出，画里应该增添一个瓶子、塞子、以及拔塞子的姿态，这些人的观点得以通过，这才没有使得这幅画按照那个样子流传下来。

I am now brought to the title of the present remarks. Having, I hope without offence to any quarter, offered such observations as I felt it my duty to offer, in a free country which has ever dominated the seas, on the general subject, I will now proceed to wait on the particular question.

现在我得回到正题上来了。我无意冒犯任何其他行业中的人，我所说的话仅是我的职责所在。在这个号称海上霸主的自由国度里，我将继续就这个问题加以说明。

At a momentous period of my life, when I was off, so far as concerned notice given, with a House that shall be nameless, —for the question on which I took my departing stand was a fixed charge for waiters, and no House as commits itself to that eminently Un—English act of more than foolishness and baseness shall be advertised by me, —I repeat, at a momentous crisis, when I was off with a House too mean for mention, and not yet on with that to which I have ever since had the honour of being attached in the capacity of Head, I was casting about what to do next. Then it were that proposals were made to me on behalf of my present establishment. Stipulations were necessary on my part, emendations were necessary on my part: in the end, ratifications ensued on both sides, and I entered on a new career.