上篇 逗比朋友

1 I Have the Key

Jesse called after his friend Edwin,“Hey, Edwin! Someone has stolen your treasure box. ”

Edwin smiled and said,“Don’t worry, John. I have the key. ”

我拿着钥匙呢

杰西在他的朋友艾德文后面高声地叫着：“嗨，艾德文！有人把你的珠宝盒给偷走了。”

艾德文边笑边回答：“不要紧，我拿着盒子上的钥匙呢。”

2 That’s What I Want to Find Out

“We have got a new dog, would you like to come around and play with him？”

“Well, I don’t know. Does he bite？”

“That’s what I want to find out. ”

那正是我想知道的

“我们新养了一条狗，你要过来和他玩玩吗？”

“哦，我不知道。他咬人吗？”

“这正是我想要知道的。”

3 My Dog Can’t Read

Mrs. Jack: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!

Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!

Mrs. Jack: It’s no use, my little dog can’t read.

狗不识字

杰克夫人：哦，亲爱的，我把最爱的小狗给丢了！

史密斯夫人：你该在报纸上登广告啊！

杰克夫人：没有用的，我的小狗不认识字。

4 Two Friends

“Sandy, please wait a minute! I wouldn’t say this to you, but now I can’t help it. You borrowed my umbrella three days ago, and haven’t returned it yet.”

“Oh, Jenny, I had no choice because it has been raining since then, you know.”

两个朋友

“桑迪，请等一下！我不能不和你说一下了。三天前你就把我的伞借走了，可到现在你还没有还呢。”

“哦，詹妮，我也没办法呀，你知道的，从那天起雨就一直在下。”

5 Who Is this Speaking

Mr. Marcus was in the hospital for a long time.

One night the phone rang at the nurses’station.

“How is Mr. Marcus？”the caller asked.

“He’s doing very well. In fact, he’s being discharged tomorrow. Who is this speaking？”

“This is Mr. Marcus—the doctors don’t tell me a thing.”

你是谁

马库斯先生住院很长时间了。

一天夜里，护士站的电话铃响了。

“马库斯先生还好吗？”打电话的人问。

“他很好。事实上，他明天就可以出院了。你是谁？”

“我就是马库斯先生——医生们什么都不告诉我。”

6 Go Swimming

An American touring in the Sahara was dressed in a bathing suit. An Arabian gazed at him in amazement.

“I’m going swimming.”the tourist explained.

“But the ocean is five hundred miles away.”the Arab informed him.

“Five hundred miles!”the American exclaimed with a huge smile.“Boy, what a beach!”

去游泳

一位美国游客正身着泳装在撒哈拉沙漠观光。一个阿拉伯人惊奇地看着他。

“我要去游泳。”游客解释说。

“可大洋还有500英里远。”阿拉伯人对他说。

“500英里！”美国人笑着惊叫道，“小伙子，这是一个多么大的海滩啊！”

7 What Do You Call Your Other Arm

I went to a restaurant one day recently wearing a shirt with the designer’s signature on the right sleeve.

As I stood in line to wait for a table, an elderly gentleman tapped me on the shoulder. Pointing to the label, he said,“Nice name.”Then, in a curious tone, he asked, “What do you call your other arm？”

另一只手臂叫什么名字

最近有一天，我穿着一件右边袖子上有设计者签名的衬衫去了一家餐馆。

排队等候空桌时，一位年长的先生拍了拍我的肩膀，指着签名说：“好名字。”然后，他又好奇地问道：“你管另一只手臂叫什么？”

8 Tell the Difference

I stopped by a friend’s house the other day and found him stalking around with a flyswatter.

When I asked if he had gotten any flies, he answered,“Yeah, three males and two females. ”

Curious, I inquired as to how he could tell the difference.

He answered,“Three were on a beer can and two were on the phone. ”

区分不同

几天前，我顺便到一个朋友家拜访，发现他正举着苍蝇拍四处拍打苍蝇。

我问他是否拍到几只苍蝇，他回答说：“拍到了，三只公的，两只母的。”

出于好奇，我问他是怎么区分的。

他回答说：“三只趴在啤酒罐上，两只贴在电话机上。”

9 A Big Tiger

“Last week, ”Tom said to his friend Kenneth,“I went for a walk in a large park. The day was very cold, and the wind was blowing. Suddenly I saw a big tiger. ”

“What did you do？”asked Kenneth.

“I looked at him, put my hands into my pockets and went home.”answered Tom.

“Did it run after you？”asked Kenneth.

“Oh, no, it didn’t. You see, it was in the coop. ”

大老虎

“上星期，”汤姆对他的朋友肯尼斯说，“我在一个大公园里散步。天冷风大。突然，我看到一只大老虎。”

“你是怎么做的呢？”肯尼斯问道。

“我看了看它，双手插进口袋就回家去了。”汤姆答道。

“它追你了吗？”肯尼斯又问道。

“噢，没有。你明白，它是在笼子里。”

10 Choice Questions

My husband took two Graduate Record Exams on the same day and came home exhausted from hours of answering multiple choice questions. He collapsed on the sofa.

His wife came to inform him that dinner was ready and asked if he would prefer water, lemonade or milk with his meal.

He paused for a moment and then replied,“I’ll take C, the milk. ”

选择题

丈夫同一天参加了两项研究生入学考试。几个小时的多项选择题使他筋疲力尽，回家后他瘫倒在沙发上。

他的妻子走过来对他说，晚饭准备好了，问他吃饭时是想喝水、柠檬汁还是牛奶。

他停顿了一会儿，回答说：“我选C，牛奶。”

11 I Don’t Know

Blake: My wife doesn’t understand me, does yours？

John: I don’t know. I’ve never heard her even mention your name.

我不知道

布莱克：我妻子不理解我，你妻子呢？

约翰：我不知道，我从来没听她提起过你的名字。

12 Little Room

Billy checked into a hotel. But his wrath rose almost as soon as he left the desk.“I may be looked upon as a simple Irish lad from bogs, ”he roared to the porter who was carrying his bags,“but I’m not paying good money for a room no bigger than a cupboard with nothing but a little folding chair in it？”

“Please go in, sir. ”said the porter,“That’s a lift. ”

小房间

比利在一家旅馆办理了登记手续。但刚一离开服务台，他就火冒三丈。“你们竟敢把我当成从沼泽地里来的爱尔兰傻小子。”他对行李搬运工大声吼道，“我可不会付高价来住这样一个碗柜大小、只有一把小折椅的小房间！”

“请进来吧，先生，”行李搬运工说，“这是电梯。”

13 A Tip to Stay Awake

Tech support people like me spend our days on the phone with customers. Many like to chat while waiting for their computers to reboot. One man told me he’d been a long‐haul truck driver.“I’d love to drive a big rig,”I said,“but I’d worry about falling asleep at the wheel.”“Here’s a tip to stay awake. ”he offered,“Put a ＄100 bill in your left hand and hold it out of the window. ”

保持清醒的诀窍

像我这样的技术支持人员会整天在电话里和顾客谈天说地。许多人喜欢在等他们的电脑重新启动的时候聊天。有一名男子告诉我，他曾经是长途卡车司机。我说：“我喜欢开大卡车，但是又担心开车的时候会睡着。”他说：“有一个诀窍，可以让你保持清醒。左手握一张一百美元的大票，然后把手伸到窗外去。”

14 The Umbrella

A gentleman staying in a hotel left his umbrella in the hall, but he had put on the handle a card on which was written,“This umbrella belongs to a gentleman who can lift up a hundred pounds. I shall be back in ten minutes.”When he came back, he found, instead of his umbrella, another card on which was written,“This card belongs to a man who can run ten miles an hour. I shall not come back.”

雨伞

一位住在旅馆的先生把他的雨伞落在了大厅里，不过他在伞柄上系了一张卡片，上面写着：“此伞属于一位能举百磅的绅士。我将在十分钟内回来。”等他回来时，发现雨伞已经不翼而飞，取而代之的是另一张卡片，上面写着：“此卡是一位一小时能跑十英里的人留下的，我永远不回来了。”

15 Good Points and Bad Points

“This house, ”said the real estate salesman,“has both its good points and bad points.To show you I’m honest, I’m going to tell you about the disadvantage—there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse one block north.”

“What are the advantages？”inquired the prospective buyer.

“The good thing about it, ”said the agent,“is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing.”

优缺点

“这幢房子，”房地产推销商说，“既有优点也有缺点。为了证明我是诚实的，我将告诉你它的缺点——往南面一个街区有一家化工厂，往北面一个街区有一家屠宰场。”

“那么它有什么优点呢？”准备购买房子的人问道。

“它的优点，”代理商说道，“就是你总能分出风是从哪边吹过来的。”

16 I Wasn’t Dead

A young man fell into a state of coma, but recovered before his friends had buried him. One of them asked what it felt like to be dead.

“Dead!”he exclaimed,“I wasn’t dead. And I knew I wasn’t dead because my feet were cold and I was hungry. ”

“But how did that make you sure？”

“Well, I knew that if I were in heaven I shouldn’t be hungry, and if I was in the other place my feet shouldn’t be cold.”

我还没死

一个年轻人昏死了过去，但是当他的朋友们要掩埋他的时候，他却又苏醒过来。

他的一个朋友问他死的感觉是怎样的。

“死！”他喊道，“我并没有死，我知道我没死，因为我的脚是凉的，而我又很饿。”

“你怎么能肯定你没死？”

“当然了，我知道如果我上了天堂，我就不会觉得饿；如果我下到地狱，那我的脚就不会是凉的了。”

17 Fishing

Larry and Harry drove 300 miles to go fishing. They paid a huge sum to rent a cabin, a similar about to rent a boat. They fished for three days and caught only one fish between them.

On the way home, Harry fiddled with a calculator while Larry drove. After an hour, Harry said,“Do you realize that this one fish we caught cost us almost ＄2,000？”

“Wow!”Larry saido“It’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more.”

钓鱼

拉里和哈里驱车三百英里去钓鱼。两人花了一大笔钱租了一间小屋，又花了差不多同样的钱租了一条船。两人钓了三天，只钓到一条鱼。

在回家的路上，拉里开车，哈里拨弄着计算器。一小时后，哈里说：“你可知道我们钓的这条鱼几乎用掉我们2000美元？”

“哇！”拉里说，“幸亏我们没有多钓到鱼。”

18 Dog Temperament

At a workshop on dog temperament, the instructor noticed that a test for a canine’s disposition was for an owner to fall down and act hurt. A dog with poor temperament would try to bite the owner, whereas a good would lick his owner’s face or show concern.

One day, while eating pizza in the living room, I decided to try out this theory on my two dogs. I stood up clutched my heart, let out a scream and collapsed on the floor. The dogs looked at me, glanced at each other and raced to the table for my pizza.

狗的性情

在一次关于狗的性情的研讨会上，教员告知大家一种测试犬科动物性情的方法——狗的主人摔倒并假装受伤。秉性差的狗会企图咬它的主人，而秉性好的狗会舔主人的脸或现出关心的神情。

有一天在卧室吃披萨的时候，我决定在自己的两条狗身上检验一下这个理论。我站起来，紧握住胸口，发出一声尖叫，然后倒在地上。这两条狗看了看我，又相互对视了一下，然后奔向餐桌去抢我的披萨。

19 What Does It Say

I returned from Russia after living there nearly three years. My sister decided to surprise me by creating“Welcome Home”signs in Russian. She went to a website that offered translations, and printed the translated phrase onto cardboards. When I got off the plane, I saw my whole family, excitedly waving colored cardboards. My sister gave me a big hug, and pointed proudly to her creation.“Isn’t that great？”she said,“Bet you didn’t think I knew any Russian. ”I admitted that I was indeed surprised—the signs actually said,“Translation is not found. ”

它是什么意思

我在俄国住了将近三年以后回国。我妹妹打算给我一个惊喜，她用俄文做了一个“欢迎归来”的标语。她找了一个提供翻译的网站，并把翻译出来的文字打印在了硬纸板上。我一下飞机就看到全家人兴高采烈地挥舞着彩色的硬纸板。我妹妹给了我一个热烈的拥抱，并且自豪地指着她的作品说：“是不是很棒？我敢打赌你一定没想到我还懂一点俄语。”我承认我确实是大吃一惊。这标语实际上是说：“没有找到译文。”

20 Silly Dog

Ian is a young man. He does not have a wife, but he has a very big dog, and he has a very small car too. He likes playing tennis. Last Monday he played tennis for an hour at his club, and then he ran out and jumped into a car. His dog came after him, but it didn’t jump into the same car. It jumped into the next one.

“Come here, silly dog!”Ian shouted at it, but the dog stayed in the other car.

Ian put his key into the lock of the car, but the key did not turn. Then he looked at the car again. It was not his!

He was in the wrong car! And the dog was in the right one!

蠢狗

伊恩是个小伙子，还没有妻子，但他有一条很大的狗和一辆很小的汽车。他喜欢打网球。上星期一，他在俱乐部打了一个小时网球，匆匆走出俱乐部，跳上了一辆车。狗跟随其后，却没有和伊恩上同一辆车，而是上了旁边的另一辆车。

“过来，蠢狗！”伊恩对狗大声喊道，但狗卧在那辆车上一动不动。

伊恩把钥匙插进锁孔，却转不动钥匙。他仔细看了看车，发现这原来不是他的车！是他上错了车！而他的狗却上对了车！

21 One Engine Left

A 747 was halfway across the Atlantic when the captain got on the loud speaker.

“Attention, passengers. We have lost one of our engines, but we can certainly reach London with the three we have left. Unfortunately, we will arrive an hour late as a result. ”

Shortly thereafter, the passengers heard the captain’s voice aga‐ in,“Guess what, folks. We just lost our third engine, but please be assured we can fly with only one. We will now arrive in London three hours late. ”

At this point, one passenger became furious.“For Pete’s sake. ”he shouted.“If we lose another engine, we’ll be up here all night!”

只剩一个引擎

一架747客机正在跨越大西洋时，喇叭里传来了机长的声音：“旅客们请注意，我们的四个引擎中有一个丢失了。但剩下的三个引擎会把我们带到伦敦的。只是我们要因此晚到一小时。”

过了一会儿，旅客们又听到机长的声音：“各位，你们猜怎么啦？我们刚又掉了第三个引擎。但请你们相信好了，只有一个引擎我们也能飞，但要晚三个小时了。”

正在这时，一位乘客非常气愤地说：“看在上帝的份上，如果我们再掉一个引擎，我们就要整夜都呆在天上了。”

22 The Poem Was Stolen

One evening a young man at Oxford who was known to be something of a poet read one of his poems to a small group of friends in his room. The poem was greatly admired, but as they came away, one of the friends, Glen, said, I was very much interested in Alfred’s poem but it was stolen from a book.

This remark was repeated to Alfred, who was very annoyed and demanded an apology.

“Well,”said Glen,“I don’t often take back what I have said, but on this occasion I admit I was mistaken. When I returned to my room I looked in the book from which I thought the poem was stolen and I found it was still there. ”

偷诗

一天晚上，牛津大学一位有点诗才的年轻人在他的房间里给几个朋友念他写的一首诗，他这首诗大受称赞。但是，他们离开后，一个名叫格林的朋友说：“我对阿尔弗雷德的诗非常感兴趣，但他这是从一本书上偷来的。”

这话传到了阿尔弗雷德那里，他非常气恼，要求格林道歉。

“噢，”格林说，“我说出去的话通常不会收回，但这次我承认是我错了。我以为他从那本书里偷走了这首诗，但等我回到房间看那本书时，发现那首诗还在那里。”

23 Tossing the Coin

A beautiful girl reports for her University Final Examination that consists of Y/N‐type questions.

She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the questions paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet. Heads for Y and tails for N.

Within half an hour she finishes her paper whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is desperately throwing the coin.

The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.

“I finished the exam in half an hour. But,”she says,“I’m rechecking my answers. ”

掷硬币

一个漂亮的女孩参加大学期末考试，试题均为是非题。

她在考场座位上坐下来，盯着考题看了5分钟，随后突然灵机一动，拿出钱夹，掏出一枚硬币，然后一边抛硬币，一边填写答题纸。硬币正面朝上填“对”，反面朝上填“错”。

她不到半小时就做完了考题，而其他考生正在吃力地答题。在最后几分钟，她又在拼命掷硬币。

监考老师对她的行为提高了警惕，走到她跟前，问发生了什么事儿。

“我半小时就做完了。不过，”她说，“我正在复查答案。”

24 My First and My Last

When George was thirty‐two, he bought a small plane and learned to fly it. He soon became very good and made his plane do all kinds of tricks.

George had a friend. His name was Mark. One day George offered to take Mark up in his plane. Mark thought,“I’ve travelled in a big plane several times, but I’ve never been in a small one, so I’ll go.”

They went up, and George flew around for half an hour and did all kinds of tricks in the air.

When they came down again, Mark was very glad to be back safely, and he said to his friend in a shaking voice,“Well, George, thank you very much for those two trips in your plane.”

George was very surprised and said,“Two trips ？”

“Yes, my first and my last. ”answered Mark.

第一次与最后一次

乔治三十二岁时买了架小型飞机，并开始学习驾驶。不久，他就能很娴熟地驾机做各种各样的特技飞行了。

乔治有个朋友名叫马克。一天，乔治主动邀请马克乘他的飞机上天兜一圈。

马克心想：“我乘大客机飞行过好几次，还从来没有乘过小飞机，我不妨试一试。”

升空后，乔治飞了有半个小时，在空中做了各种各样的飞行特技。

后来他们着陆了，马克很高兴能够安全返回地面。他用颤抖的声音对他的朋友说：“乔治，非常感谢你让我乘小飞机做了两次飞行。”

乔治非常吃惊地问：“两次飞行？”

“是的，我的第一次和最后一次。”马克答道。

25 Pay As Little As Possible

A businessman, who always tried to pay as little as possible for what he needed, felt ill one day. He decided to go to a doctor and asked a friend to recommend one.

“Dr. Smith has a good reputation. ”the friend told him.

“Is he expensive？”the businessman asked.

“Yes and no.He charges fifty dollars for the first visit, but only twenty dollars for each visit after that.”

“That seems reasonable. ”the businessman said, and went to visit Dr. Smith. As he walked into the consulting room, he said,“Well, here I am again, doctor, ”and put twenty dollars on the table.

The doctor looked at him carefully for a moment, then smiled and put the money into the drawer of this desk.“Thank you, ”he said,“And what can I do for you today？”

“Examine me, of course, ”the businessman said,“and tell me what’s wrong with me.”

“Oh, there’s no need for me to examine you again.”the doctor said,“Just continue taking the medicine I prescribed for you when you came to see me last time.”

省钱

一个商人总是想方设法为他需要的东西省钱。有一天，他突然病了，决定去看医生，便请一位朋友给他推荐一位。

“史密斯大夫声望不错。”朋友对他说。

“他收费高吗？”商人问道。

“高，但也可以说不算高。他第一次看病收费50美元，以后每次看病只收二十美元。”

“听起来很合理。”商人说，然后就去史密斯大夫那里了。走进诊所时，他说：“噢，我又来了，大夫。”然后将二十美元放在了桌子上。

医生仔细看了他一会儿，然后面带微笑，将钱放进了办公桌抽屉里，说：“谢谢，你今天看什么病？”

“当然是给我检查了，”商人说，“给我看看得了什么病。”

“噢，我没必要再给你检查了，”医生说，“请继续吃你上次来时我给你开的药吧。”