上篇 诡异逻辑

1 Is That You,Tom

“How did you stop your husband staying late at the club？ ”

“When he came in late I called out, ‘Is that you, Tom？ ’and my husband’s name is Robert. ”

是你吗，汤姆

“你是怎么阻止你丈夫在俱乐部待到很晚的？”

“当他很晚到家时，我就大声朝外面喊：‘是你吗，汤姆？’我的丈夫名叫罗伯特。”

2 An Interesting Man

Big man (in a theatre, to a small boy sitting behind him): Can you see, sonny？

Boy: No, sir, not at all.

Big man: Then just watch me and laugh when I do.

一位有趣的男人

大个男人（在剧院里对坐在身后的一个小男孩）：“小家伙，你看得见吗？”

男孩：“看不见，先生，一点儿也看不见。”

大个男人：“那你就看着我，我笑的时候跟我一起笑吧。”

3 Harmful Movie

Theater Manager: Madam, you may not take dog into the thea‐ ter. I’m sorry it is not permitted.

Woman: That’s ridiculous! What harm could the movies do to a little dog like this？

有害的电影

剧院经理：夫人，您不能把狗带进剧院，很抱歉，这是不允许的。

女士：真是荒谬！这些电影对这么小的一只狗有什么害处？

4 A Smart Housewife

A wife told her husband that her new dress didn’t cost her anything.

“How’s that？”her husband asked.

“Well, it was originally ＄90, but it reduced to ＄45, so I bought it with the ＄45 I saved.”

精明的主妇

妻子告诉丈夫说她的新衣服没花一分钱。

“这是怎么回事呢？”丈夫问她。

“哦，这件衣服原价是九十块钱，但是现在降到了四十五块钱，所以我是用省下的钱买的。”

5 I Had to Change It Twice

Judge: I don’t understand why you broke into the same store three nights in a row.

Prisoner: Well, Your Honor, I picked out a dress for my wife, and I had to change it twice because she didn’t like the style.

不得不换两次

法官：我真不明白你为什么连续三天夜里闯入同一家商店。

犯人：噢，阁下，我为我妻子挑选了一件衣服，因为她总是不喜欢衣服的样式，所以，我才不得不去换了两次。

6 Twenty Pounds

Brian was boasting to a fellow fisherman about a 20‐pound salmon he had caught.

“Twenty pounds？ ”remarked the other guy, with skepticism. “Were there any witnesses？ ”

“Of course, ”said Brian,“otherwise it would have weighed 30 pounds. ”

二十磅

布赖恩在向一个渔夫吹嘘他捕的一条二十磅的鲑鱼。

“二十磅？”另一个人带着怀疑的神情问道，“有什么证人吗？”

“当然有了，”布赖恩说，“不然就会有三十磅了。”

7 Borrow Money

Hardy: Jerry, would you lend me fifty dollars if I asked you？

Jerry: Yea, I suppose so.

Hardy: All right, then, lend me fifty, but give me twenty‐five of it.

Jerry: Okay. But why？

Hardy: Then you’ll owe me twenty‐five, and I’ll owe you twenty‐five, and we’ll be all square.

借钱

哈蒂：杰瑞，我要是向你借五十美元，你会借给我吗？

杰瑞：会，我想会的。

哈蒂：好，那借给我五十美元，但你只要给我其中的二十五美元就行了。

杰瑞：可以。但为什么？

哈蒂：那样的话，你就欠我二十五美元，我也欠你二十五美元。我们就两清了。

8 Squeeze Twice for No

During a football game I saw one of the players took a hard hit. He tumbled to the ground and didn’t move. We grabbed our first‐aid gear and rushed out onto the field. The coach picked up the young man’s hand and urged,“Son, can you hear me？ Squeeze once for yes and twice for no. ”

听不见捏两下

在橄榄球比赛中，我看到一个球员被撞得很厉害。他倒在地上，一动也不动。我们抓起急救设备，冲进运动场。教练抓住这个年轻人的手催促说：“孩子，你能不能听见我说话？能听见捏一下，听不见捏两下。”

9 Card

“Do you have any anniversary‐birthday cards？ ”a man asked the stationer.

“We have anniversary cards and we have birthday cards, but we don’t carry one that combines both. Why？ ”

“Simple, ”replied the man,“my wife is celebrating the fifteenth anniversary of her thirty‐fourth birthday. ”

卡片

“你们有生日周年纪念卡吗？”一位男士问文具商。

“我们有周年纪念卡，也有生日贺卡，但没有两者合一的贺卡。您为什么找这个？”

“是这样的，”这位男士回答说，“我的妻子要庆祝她三十四岁生日的十五周年纪念日。”

10 Never Mind

A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had been in his car.“They’ve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, even the brake pedal!” he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time.“Never mind, ”the drunk said with a hiccup,“I got in the back seat by mistake. ”

不必担心

一个醉汉打电话给警察局，声称小偷光顾了他的车。“他们偷走了仪表盘、右向盘，甚至连刹车脚板都偷走了。”他大声嚷嚷着。

然而在警察还没有开始调查时，电话又一次响了起来。“没事了，”醉汉打着嗝说，“我不小心坐到了后座上。”

11 Still Too Dear

An old lady who was very deaf and who thought everything too dear, went into shop and asked the shopman,“How much is this stuff ？”

“Seven dollars, madam, it is very cheap.”

“It is too much, give it to me for thirteen.”The lady said.

“I did not say seventeen dollars, but seven.”

“It is still too much, ”replied the old lady,“give it some for five.”

还是太贵

有位耳聋还总是嫌东西太贵的老太太走进一家商店。她问店员：“这东西要多少钱？”

“七美元，太太，这是很便宜的。”

老太太说：“太贵了，十三美元差不多。”

店员忙说：“我没说十七美元，是七美元。”

“还是太贵，”老太太说，“五美元，我就买啦。”

12 Paint House

After two‐week vacation, a man returned to his office and one of his fellow workers asked him what kind of time he’d had.“I spent the whole two weeks helping my wife paint the rooms in our house. ”he groaned.

“Does she do that often？ ”

“Well, ”came the reply,“when we moved in a few years ago, the guest room was nine by twelve. Now it’s eight by eleven! ”

刷房子

一位男士休假两周后回到办公室，他的一名同事问他过得怎样。“我两周全都用来帮我老婆给我们家房间刷漆了。”他诉苦说。

“她经常干那活儿吗？”

“唉，”那个人答道，“我们几年前搬进来时，客房长十二英尺、宽九英尺，现在长十一英尺、宽八英尺。”

13 A Reason to Live for

An elderly Morm on visits his doctor and asks if he’ll live to be a hundred.

“Do you smoke or drink？”asks the doctor.

“Those things have never and will never touch my lips.”says the man.

“Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women？”

“Nope, don’t believe in doing any of chat, either.”

“Well then,”says the doctor,“why the hell do you want to live to be a hundred？”

活着的理由

一个年迈的摩门教徒去看医生，并且问道自己是否能够活到一百岁。

“你吸烟喝酒吗？”医生问道。

“我从来不沾这些东西。”老人说道。

“那你赌博、飙车或是和女人鬼混吗？”

“不，我从不做那些事情。”

“既然如此，”医生说道，“那你何必要活到一百岁？”

14 Tony and Kyle

Tony and Kyle went off on their bikes for a picnic in the woods.They had one bottle of lemonade between them. Kyle went to explore while Tony unpacked the food. When he returned, he found the bottle was empty.

“Hey!”he exclaimed crossly.“Half of that was mine!”

“I know, ”said Tony,“but I was thirsty, and as my half was at the bottom of the bottle I had to drink through yours to get to it.”

托尼和凯尔

托尼和凯尔骑自行车去森林里野餐。他们带了一瓶柠檬水。在托尼准备食物的时候，凯尔去探路。等到他回来后，发现瓶子空了。

“嗨！”他生气地嚷道，“这水有一半是我的！”

“我知道，”托尼说，“但是我非常渴，我的那一半在下面，所以我只好先把你的那半喝了才能喝到我的那一半呀。”

15 A Man with Two Badly Burned Ears

A man with two badly burned ears went to see his doctor.

“What happened？”asked the doctor.

“Well, ”began the man,“my wife was ironing while I was watching the ball game on TV. She put the hot iron near the telephone and when the telephone rang, I answered the iron.”The doctor nodded.“But what happened to the other ear？”

“No sooner had I hung up, ”said the man,“then the same guy called up again.”

一个两只耳朵严重烧伤的男人

一名两只耳朵严重烧伤的男人来看医生。

“发生了什么事情？”医生问道。

“呃，”这个男的开始说道，“我在看电视球赛的时候我妻子正在熨衣服。电话响起来的时候她把电熨斗放在电话边，于是我把熨斗当我电话了。”医生点头。“那你另一只耳朵是怎么回事呢？”

“我刚挂了电话不久，”这个男人说，“同一个家伙又打来了。”

16 Glad to Be Drunk

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said,“I’ve got to take you in, pal. You’re obviously drunk. ”

Our wasted friend asked,“Officer, are you absolutely sure I’m drunk？”

“Yeah, buddy, I’m sure. ”said the cop,“Let’s go. ”

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said,“Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled. ”

很高兴喝醉了

一个烂醉如泥的男人一只脚踩在人行道上，另一只脚踩在水沟里。在街上深一脚浅一脚地走着。一名警察叫住他，说：“我要把你收监起来，老兄。很明显你醉得不轻。”

我们这位朋友问：“长官，你真的确定我醉了？”

“是的，老兄，我确定，”警察说，“我们走吧。”

醉鬼松了一口气，说：“谢天谢地，我还以为我瘸了呢。”

17 Is the General Expecting You

Gen.George Armstrong Custer is buried on the grounds of the United States Military Academy at West Point. Since I was driving through the area, I decided to pay my respects. At the gate, the distracted young MP put down her book, checked my ID and asked the purpose of my visit. I explained that I was there to visit General Custer. As she picked up her book, she asked,“And is the general expecting you？ ”

将军在等你吗

乔治·阿姆斯特朗·卡斯特将军被葬在美国西点军校的院子里。我正开车经过这个地区，于是就决定去瞻仰一下。在西点军校门口，一个心不在焉的军警放下手中的书，检查了我的身份证，问我来此的目的。我解释说，我是去拜访卡斯特将军的。她一边拿起书一边问道：“将军在等你吗？”

18 What To Do

A guy comes to his family doctor and asks,“Doctor, I’m about to get married and we’re both virgins, so could you give me some pointers on what to do？”

Seeing that he knew the young lad from birth, and being a bit embarrassed by the question, the doctor looks around and says,“Look, son, see these two dogs on the front yard？ See what they are doing？ Go home and do the same thing.”

Two months later they are talking again.“How’s sex？”asks the doctor.“Great, but it’s kind a cold on our front yard!”

怎么做

有位男子去找他的家庭医师，他问：“医生，我要结婚了，但我们两个都是第一次，你可以告诉我们该怎么做吗？”

医生是看着男子长大的，听到这个问题有点儿不自在地看了周围一下然后说：“看那边，看到院子里的两只狗吗？看到它们在做什么吗？回家照着做就没错了。”

两个月后，他们又见面时，医生问：“性生活如何？”男子回答说：“很好啊，只是在院子里做真的有点冷。”

19 Race

A Japanese company and an American company had a boat race; the Japanese won by a mile.

The Americans hired analysts to figure out what went wrong. They reported that the Japanese had one person managing and seven rowing, while the Americans had seven managing and only one rowing. The American company immediately reconstructed its team.Now they had one senior manager, six management consultants and one rower.

In the rematch the Japanese won by two miles. So the American company fired the rower.

比赛

一家日本公司和一家美国公司进行划船比赛；日本公司领先一英里获胜。

美国公司雇了一些赛场分析员。那些分析员报告说，日本公司有一名管理人员和七名划船手，而美国公司则有七名管理人员，只有一名划船手。美国公司马上进行了重新编组。这次，他们有一名高级管理人员、六名管理顾问和一名划船手。

在第二场比赛中，日本人以两英里的优势大获全胜。于是，美国公司解雇了划船手。

20 Keep the Change

Selling secondhand books at our church bazaar, I got into an argument with a prospecitive customer. He was interested in buying The Pocket Book of Ogden Nash but claimed it was overpriced at 25 cents. Other paperbacks were selling for 10 or 15 cents each.

I pointed out that the book was in good condition. Nash was a fun poet and it was for a good cause. He said it was a matter of principle. Ultimately, I agreed to sell him the book for 15 cents.Triumphantly, he paid with a ＄10 bill.“Keep the change. ”he said.

不用找零钱

在教堂的义卖市上卖旧书时，我与一名准备买东西的顾客发生了一场争执。

他对《奥金·纳什袖珍集》颇感兴趣，但是说它二十五美分的开价过高，其他的平装书每本才卖十或十五美分。

我向他指出这本书保存状况很好，纳什是个有趣的诗人，卖这个价钱是合理的。他说这是个原则问题。最后，我答应十五美分卖给他。他得意洋洋，拿出一张十美元的票子付账。“零钱不用找了。”他说。

21 Rain

A group of Texas farmers asked President Carter for emergency funds because of a bad drought. President Carter had to refuse. But he decided to fly to Texas to explain why.

On the day he arrived in Texas, it was raining very hard.“You asked me for money, ”he said in his speech to the farmers,“I could not get you the money. So instead I brought you some rain. ”

雨

因为严重干旱，所以一群得克萨斯州农民向卡特总统要应急基金。卡特总统不得不拒绝，但他决定乘飞机前往得克萨斯州解释原因。

他到达得克萨斯州那天，雨下得很大。“你们向我要钱，”他对那些农民讲道，“我没能给你们带来钱，但我给你们带来了一些雨。”

22 We Didn’t Step on It

One day three brothers were walking around the park when they came across something in the middle of their path.“It looks like shit! ”said the first brother,“I’d better check it out.”He leaned forward and took a deep breath,“Smells like shit! ”he said.

The second brother walked closer and stuck his finger inside it and felt.“Feels like shit.”he said.

The third brother poked it and put it inside his mouth and said,“Tastes like shit.”The three brothers finally relaxed and said,“Good thing we didn’t step on it phew!”

还好没踩到

一天，三兄弟在公园里散步时，看到路中央有什么东西。“看起来像是大便！”大哥说道，“我最好查看一下。”他弯下腰去闻了闻，说道：“闻着也像大便！”

二哥走上前去，把手指伸进去感受了一下说道：“摸着也像大便。”

三弟把手插进去然后放到嘴里说道：“尝起来也像大便！”三兄弟终于松了口气说道：“还好我们没有踩到它！”

23 An Ad

After a beautiful purebred puppy wandered onto our back porch and made himself at home, my husband composed an ad for the“Lost and Found”column of the local newspaper.

It read,“A puppy, male, approximately nine months old, no collar, very friendly, found on Rockbridge Road. ”

I feared all the detail might encourage an unscrupulous person to claim the dog. As I methodically explained why each clue revealed too much. My husband dutifully crossed out the words. Finally, in frustration, he rewrote the ad, reducing it to a single sentence that I couldn’t refute.

It read,“Guess what I found？”

一则广告

一只漂亮的纯种狗来到我们的后门廊并以此为家了。我丈夫在当地的“失物招领”栏目登了一则广告，是这样写的：“小狗，雄性，年龄近九个月，无项圈，很友善，发现于石桥路。”

我担心这样的细节会给那些昧着良心要狗的人以可乘之机。我有条不紊地解释为什么每个线索都透露得太多后，他就尽职地划去一些词。终于，他非常沮丧地重新写了一则广告，把它缩为一个我无法反驳的句子。

是这样写的：“猜猜我捡到了什么？”

24 Who Dares Move Me

A person has a bad toothache but he feared the pain of pulling out the tooth. So he has been afraid to go to the dentist. But this time it was really unbearable. Then he summoned up courage to go to see a dentist.

But when he saw the pliers stretching into his mouth, he was too fearful to let the physicians continue! So the dentist asked the assistant to get him a whiskey.

Then asked him,“Now has the courage？ ”

He is honest to answer,“No! ”

Then give him the second cup...the third cup...“Wait! ”

The dentist asked him,“What is the matter now？ ”

The patient shouted,“I want to see who dares to touch my teeth! ”

谁敢动我

有个人牙疼但他又怕拔牙会更痛，所以一直不敢去看牙医。但是这次他实在是受不了了，于是就鼓起勇气去看牙医。

但当他看到钳子要伸入他口中时，却又怕得不敢让医生动手。于是医生要旁边的助手去给他拿一杯威士忌酒。

然后问他：“现在有勇气了吗？”

他老实回答说：“没有！”

于是再给他第二杯……第三杯……“等等！”

牙医问他：“又怎么了？”

病人咆哮道：“我想看看谁敢来动我的牙齿！”

25 Vow of Silence

At a remote monastery deep in the woods，the monks followed a rigid vow of silence. This vow could only be broken once a year on Christmas. By one monk, and the monk could speak only one sentence.

One Christmas, Brother Thomas had his turn to speak and said,“I love the delightful mashed potatoes we have every year with the Christmas roast! ”Then he sat down. Silence ensued for 365 days.

The next Christmas, Brother Michael got his turn, and said,“I think the mashed potatoes are lumpy and I truly despise them!”Once again, silence ensued for 365 days.

The following Christmas, Brother Luke rose and said,“I am fed up with this constant bickering! ”

沉默誓言

在树林深处的一家僻静的修道院里，修道士们都遵守着一条严格的沉默誓言。这誓言一年中只能在圣诞节那天被一个修道士打破，而且这名修道士只能说一句话。

某个圣诞节轮到托马斯教友讲话，他说：“我喜欢那道每年配着圣诞节烤肉吃的土豆泥！”然后他坐下。接下来是三百六十五天的沉默。

第二个圣诞节到了，轮到迈克尔教友了，他说：“我觉得那土豆泥非常粗糙，我真的讨厌它们！”接下来又是三百六十五天的沉默。

接下来的圣诞节上，卢克教友站起来说：“我真的厌烦了这种持续不断的争吵！”

26 How Will I Find My Ring There

Mason had a shed behind his house. It had no lights in it. One night he went out to the shed to get his ladder, and lost his ring there. He left the ladder, went out into the street and began to look around.

One of his friends saw him in the street outside his house, and said to him,“Hello, Mason. What are you looking for？”

“My ring. ”answered Mason,“It fell off my finger. It is a silver ring with a red stone in it . ”

“Oh, yes,”said his friend,“I remember it. I will help you to look for it. Where did you lose it？”

“In my shed. ”

“But why don’t you look for it there？”

“Don’t be stupid! It is quite dark in my shed. So how will I find my ring there？ Here there is light from the lamps in the street. ”

在那儿怎么找得到我的戒指

梅森家房子后面有一间棚屋，屋里没有电灯。一天晚上，他去棚屋拿梯子，把戒指弄丢在里面了。

他扔下梯子，跑到大街上到处寻找起来。

他的一个朋友看见他在屋外的大街上，就对他说：“喂，梅森，你在找什么呢？”

“我的戒指，”梅森答道，“它从我手指上掉下来了。是枚银戒指，还镶了一颗红宝石。”

“哦，知道了，”他的朋友说，“我记得它，我来帮你找吧。你是在哪儿弄丢的？”

“在我的棚屋里。”

“那你为什么不去那里找？”

“别傻了！棚屋里那么黑，在那儿怎么找得到我的戒指？这街上有路灯照着呢。”

27 The Drunk

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender,“Drinks for all on me. That is including you, bartender. ”

The bartender follows the man’s order and says,“That will be＄42. 50, please. ”

The drunk says he has no money, and the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

The next night, the same drunk comes in and orders a drink for everyone in the bar, including the bartender. Again, the bartender follows the drunk’s instructions and the drunk says he has no money. So, the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for everyone except the bartender.

The bartender says,“What, no drink for me？ ”

“Oh, no! You get violent when you drink. ”

醉鬼

一个醉鬼走进一家酒吧，对酒吧侍者说：“我请所有人喝酒，也包括你。”

侍者遵照了醉鬼的指示，对他说：“一共42.50美元。”

醉鬼说他没钱，于是侍者揍了他一顿把他扔了出去。

第二天晚上，这个醉鬼又来了，又请酒吧里的所有人喝酒，也包括那名侍者。同样，侍者按照醉鬼说的做了，醉鬼说他没钱，于是，侍者又揍了他一顿把他扔了出去。

第三天晚上，他又来了，醉鬼给酒吧里所有人点了酒，除了那名侍者。

侍者说：“怎么？不请我喝吗？”

“噢，不！你一喝酒就有暴力倾向。”

28 I Don’t Want It Either

One day Mrs. Mark went shopping. When her husband came home in the evening, she began to tell him about a beautiful cotton dress.“I saw it in a shop this morning,”she said,“and...”

“And you want to buy it.”said her husband,“How much does it cost？”

“Fifteen pounds.”

“Fifteen pounds for a cotton dress？ That is too much!”

But every evening, when Mr. Mark came back from work, his wife continuted to speak only about the dress, and at last, after a week, he said,“Oh, buy the dress！Here is the money!”She was very happy.

But the next evening, when Mr. Mark came home and asked,“Have you got the famous dress？She said,“No.”

“Why not？”he said.

“Well, it was still in the window of the shop after a week so I thought that nobady else wants this dress, so I don’t want it either. ”

我也不想要了

一天，马克太太去买东西。晚上她丈夫一回到家，马克太太就对他讲起一条漂亮的棉布连衣裙。“我早上在一家商店看到的，”她说，“于是……”

“于是你就想买下它，”她丈夫接着说道，“这裙子多少钱？”

“十五英镑。”

“一条棉布裙子就要十五英镑？太贵了吧！”

每天晚上马克先生下班回到家，他妻子都在不停地唠叨那条连衣裙，一周后，马克先生终于说：“哎，把它买下来吧！给你钱！”马克太太高兴极了。

但是，第二天晚上马克先生回到家后问：“你把那条完美的连衣裙买回来了？”她却回答说：“没有。”

“为什么没买？”他问。

“哦，它在那家商店的橱窗里都摆了一星期了，所以我就想，别人都不想要这件连衣裙，那我也不想要了。”

29 The Hard Five Minutes

One morning Mrs. Jerome said to her husband,“there’s a meeting for our ladies’club at Mrs. Young’s house at lunch time today, and I want to go to it. I’ll leave you some food for your lunch. Is that all right？”

“Oh, yes, ”her husband answered,“that’s quite all right. What are you going to leave for my lunch？”

“This tin of fish, ”Mrs. Jerome said,“and there are some cold, boiled potatoes and some beans here, too. ”

“Good. ”Mr. Jerome answered,“I’ll have a good lunch. ”

So Mrs. Jerome went to her meeting. The ladies had lunch at Mrs. Young’s house, and at three o’clock Mrs. Jerome came home.

“Was your fish nice？”she asked.

“Yes, but my feet are hurting. ”he answered.

“Why are they hurting？”Mrs. Jerome asked.

“Well, the words on the tin were:‘Open tin and stand in hot water for five minutes.’”

难忍的五分钟

杰罗姆太太对丈夫说：“今天午餐时间我们妇女俱乐部要在杨太太家开会，我想参加。我给你留些吃的作为午餐。行不行？”

“噢，行，”她丈夫回答，“当然行啦。那我中午吃什么？”

“这个鱼罐头，”杰罗姆太太说，“还有些凉了的熟土豆和扁豆。”

“行。”杰罗姆先生回答道，“那中午我就可以美餐一顿了。”

于是杰罗姆太太就去参加会议了。所有的女士都在杨太太家享用了午餐，三点钟杰罗姆太太回到家。

“你那鱼味道怎么样？”她问道。

“好吃啊，不过我的脚疼着呢。”他回答。

“脚怎么会疼？”杰罗姆太太问。

“是这样的，罐头上写着：‘打开罐头，在开水里站（放置）五分钟。’”

30 The Pope Himself Drives

The Pope arrived at JFK and he was met at a baggage claim by a driver in a bad suit and a clip‐on tie, holding a hand‐lettered sign that said,“Pope.”

After getting all the Pope’s luggage loaded in the limo—his holiness didn’t travel light—the driver noticed that the Pope was still standing on the curb.

“Hey, Mr. Pope,”said the driver in accented English,“why have you not seated yourself in the excellent limo？”

“Well, to tell you the truth,”said the Pope,“they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I’d really like to drive.”

“That is very much against the rules!”protested the driver, wishing he’d never left Calcutta.

“There might be something extra in it for you. ”said the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver got in the back as the Pope got in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regretted his decision when, after clearing the airport, the Pope accelerated the limo to 110 mph.

“Please be driving not so rapidly, Mr. Pope,”pleaded the worried driver, but the Pope kept the pedal to the metal. Then they heard the siren.

“Oh, my god, now I am surely losing my license. ”moaned the driver.

The Pope pulled over and rolled down the windon as the patrolman approached, but the cop took one look at him, went back to his motorcycle, and got on the radio.“I need to talk the Chief.”he said to the dispatch.

When the Chief got on the radio, the cop told him that he’d stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

“So bust him. ”said the Chief.

“I think the guy’s a big shot. ”said the cop.

“All the more reason. ”

“No, I mean really a big shot. ”said the cop.

“What’d you got there, the Mayor？ ”

“Bigger. ”

“The Governor？ ”

“Bigger.”

“Well, ”said the Chief,“who is it？ ”

“I don’t know,” said the cop.“but he’s got the Pope driving for him. ”

教皇本人亲自开车

罗马教皇来到美国国际机场。一个穿着劣质西服、戴着领带的司机举着手写的“教皇”的牌子，在领取行李的地方等着接机。

把教皇的行李——教皇的行李非常多——都装进高级轿车后，司机看见教皇还站在路边，没有离开的意思。

“嘿，教皇先生，”司机用带着浓重口音的英语说，“你怎么不上车呢？”

“好吧，实话跟你说，”教皇说，“我非常喜欢开车，可在梵蒂冈，他们从不让我开车。”

“那是违反规章制度的！”司机很不乐意，后悔当初不该离开加尔各答。

“我会给你一份额外的报酬。”教皇说。

司机极不情愿地坐到后座的位置，教皇坐在了驾驶的位置。离开机场后，教皇已经提速到每小时105英里，这时候司机开始后悔了。

“别开这么快啊，教皇先生。”司机很担心，央求道。可教皇还是继续踩油门，这时他们听到了警笛声。

“哦，天啊，我一定会被吊销驾照的。”司机绝望地呻吟着。

当警察追过来时，教皇靠边停下来，摇下了车窗。警察看了他一眼，回到自己的摩托车旁，拿起对讲机。

“我要接通局长。”警察说道。

接通后，警察报告说，他刚截获了一辆时速为110英里的高级轿车。

“那把他铐起来。”局长说。

“我觉得他是个大人物。”警察说。

“那理由就更充分了。”

“不是，我说他真是个很大的人物。”警察说。

“你到底逮到谁了啊？市长？”

“更大。”

“州长？”

“更大。”

“好吧，”局长说道，“到底谁啊？”

“我不知道，”警察说，“但是教皇为他开车。”

31 City Fellow

The city fellow asked his friend the country boy to take him deer hunting, as he had never been hunting before. The country boy agreed to this, as long as the city fellow did exactly what he was told to do.

The two men got their gear together and went into the woods. The country boy told the city fellow to sit down on a log that lay beside a deer trail, and that if he stayed quiet and waited, the deer would come right by him on the way to the creek, and he would be able to get a good shot. The country boy said that he was going to go on down the trail about a mile to another good spot, and he would be back to meet the city fellow later.

But a few hours later, the country boy heard all kinds of yelling and screaming as the city fellow came running down the trail!“Well, what’s wrong with you？”he asked the city fellow,“Why didn’t you stay where I told you to？”

The city fellow, still very excited, replied,“Well, when the bobcat came over and sharpened his claws on the log, I didn’t move. When the bear came and sat on the other end of the log, I didn’t move. But when the two squirrels came up, climbed onto my lap and then one said to the other, ‘Shall we take them with us or eat them here’, well I just couldn’t stand it any more!”

城里人

一个城里人请求他的朋友，一个农村男孩，带他去猎鹿，因为他从来没有打过猎。农村男孩答应了他，条件是城里人必须按照他的要求去做。

两人带着猎枪进了树林。农村男孩叫城里人坐在一根躺在鹿蹄印边的圆木上，并告诉他如果他静悄悄地耐心等待，当鹿在去小溪的路上经过他身边时，他就可以开枪了。农村男孩说他自己要沿着蹄印向前走一英里左右到另一个射击点，一会儿再回来。

可是过了一段时间，城里人大叫大嚷地沿着蹄印跑来！“怎么了？”农村男孩问城里人，“你怎么不待在我叫你待的地方？”

城里人仍然很激动，他回答说：“当野猫跑过来把它的爪子扒在那圆木上时我没有动；当熊过来坐在圆木的另一端时我也没动；可是当两只松鼠过来爬在我的大腿上，其中一只对另一只说：‘我们是把它们拿回去呢还是在这儿吃’，我实在不能再忍受了。”

32 A Cheapskate

Edward and his wife lived in the country. Edward was very stingy and hated spending money. One day a fair came to the nearby town.

“Let’s go to the fair, Edward. ”his wife said,“We haven’t been anywhere for a long time. ”

Edward thought about this for a while. He knew he would have to spend money at the fair. At last he said,“All right, but I’m not going to spend much money. We’ll look at things, but we won’t buy anything. ”

They went to the fair and looked at all the things to buy.

There were many things Edward’s wife wanted to buy, but he would not let her spend any money.

Then, in a nearby field, they saw a small airplane.

“Fun flights!”the notice said,“$10 for 10 minutes. ”

Edward had never been in an airplane and he wanted to go on a fun flight. However, he didn’t want to have to pay for his wife, as well.

“I’ve only got $10. ”he told the pilot,“Can my wife come with me for free？”

The pilot wasn’t selling many tickets, so he said,“I’ll make a bargain with you. If your wife doesn’t scream or shout, she can have a free flight. ”

Edward agreed, and got into the small airplane with his wife.

The pilot took off and made his airplane do all kinds of things. At one moment it was flying upside down.

When the plane landed, the pilot said,“OK. Your wife didn’t make a sound. She can have her ride free. ”

“Thank you. ”Edward said,“It wasn’t easy for her, you know, especially when she fell out. ”

小气鬼

爱德华和妻子住在乡下。爱德华很抠门，不愿花钱。一天，附近的镇子逢集。

“我们去赶集吧，爱德华，”妻子说，“我们好长时间哪里也没去过了。”

爱德华想了一会儿，他知道在集市上一定得花钱。最后，他说：“好吧，但我不打算花太多钱，我们只看不买。”

他们去集市，看看所有可买的东西。有很多东西爱德华的妻子都想买，但爱德华就是不让她买。

后来，在附近的露天场地，他们看到一架小飞机。

“有趣飞行！”海报上写着，“10分钟10美元。”

爱德华从来没坐过飞机，所以他想乘一次小飞机。然而，他不想付妻子的票钱。

“我只带了10美元，”他对飞行员说，“我妻子能免费和我一起乘飞机吗？”

飞行员没卖出多少票，所以他说：“我和你做个交易，如果你的妻子不尖叫或呼喊，她就能免费飞行。”

爱德华表示同意，就和妻子一起坐进了飞机。

飞机起飞了，飞行员让飞机做出各种各样的动作。有一会儿飞机倒栽葱飞行。

飞机着陆时，飞行员说：“行，你的妻子一声不响，就不用买票了。”

“谢谢，”爱德华说，“你知道，这对她并不容易，尤其是她刚才掉下去的时候。”