上篇 秀外晦中

1 A Careless Barber

Barber: Were you wearing a red scarf when you came in？

Customer: No.

Barber: Oh, then I must have cut your throat.

粗心的理发师

理发师：你进来时是不是系着红围巾？

顾客：没有呀。

理发师：噢，那我肯定弄破了你的喉咙。

2 Qualification

“What makes you think you’re qualified to be a night watchman？”asked the personnel director.

“Well, for one thing, ”replied the job applicant,“I’m a real light sleeper.”

称职

一位人事经理问一位求职者：“你怎么就觉得你能胜任值夜班的工作呢？”

求职者说：“噢，有一点我敢肯定，我睡觉很轻。”

3 Helping to Clean the Dishes

Just after the maid had been fired, she took ten bucks from her purse and threw it to Bingo, the family dog.

When asked why by her former employer, she answered,“I never forget a friend. This was for helping me clean the dishes all the time! ”

帮助洗碗

女佣被解雇后，她从钱包里拿出十美元，扔给宾果——这家的狗。

当她的前雇主问她为什么这样做的时候，她回答：“我不会忘记朋友的，这是给它的报酬，谢谢它一直以来帮我洗碗！”

4 Not Fair

A: Mr. Tom died yesterday. Are you going to attend his funeral？

B: No, of course not!

A: Why not？ I thought you were friends.

B: It wouldn’t be fair if I did.

A: Not fair？ What do you mean？

B: If I attend his funeral, would he be able to attend mine？

不公平

甲：“汤姆先生昨天去世了。你去参加他的葬礼吗？”

乙：“不去，当然不去！”

甲：“为什么不去？我还以为你们是好朋友呢。”

乙：“我要是去，那会不公平。”

甲：“不公平？你这话什么意思？”

乙：“我要是参加了他的葬礼，他能参加我的葬礼吗？”

5 One Egg Less

Everything about country customs delighted my neighbors, who had moved to our small town from the city. Then one day they spotted a sign,“Fresh Eggs for Sale.”at a roadside stand where payment was on the honor system.“Why can’t everyone be this trusting？”They said at they put their money in a box and took a carton. When they got home and opened it, they found 11 eggs.

少了一个

我的邻居刚从城里搬来我们这个小镇，一切有关农村习俗的事情都让他们感到很高兴。后来有一天，他们发现路边小摊的一块牌子上写着“出售新鲜鸡蛋”，是用那种传统的售货方式，旁边并没人收钱。“为什么不是每个人都这样信任别人呢？”说着，就把钱放进一个盒子里，拿走了一打鸡蛋。他们回到家打开盒子，却只看见十一个鸡蛋。

6 The Dog Doesn’t Bite

One early morning, an old lady was strolling through the park when she saw James with a dog.

“Does your dog bite？”she asked.

“No.”said James.

When the old lady tried to pet the dog, it almost bit her fingers off.

“You said your dog doesn’t bite!”screamed the old lady with blood dripping from her hand.

“That’s all right. ”answered James,“My dog doesn’t bite, but that’s not my dog. ”

不咬人的狗

一天清晨，一位老太太正在公园里溜达，突然瞧见詹姆斯和一条狗在一起。

老太太问：“你的狗咬人吗？”

詹姆斯说：“不咬人。”

当老太太伸出手去摸那条狗时，它却差点儿咬掉她的手指。

“你刚才不是说你的狗不咬人吗？”老太太尖声叫道，血从她的手指上滴了下来。

詹姆斯回答说：“我说得没错啊，我的狗真不咬人，可这条狗不是我的。”

7 Nine Bouquets of Flowers

A couple of extras in the play were talking backstage at the end of the performance.“What’s the matter with our leading lady？”one actress asked,“She seems really mad about something.”

“Oh, she’s upset because she only received nine bouquets of flowers over the footlights.”the other woman then answered.

“Nine!”exclaimed the first actress, “That’s pretty good, isn’t it？”

“Yes, ”her friend replied,“but she paid for ten. ”

九束鲜花

两个临时演员演出结束后在后台聊天。“我们的女主角怎么了？”一个女演员问，“她看起来像是为什么事发疯似的。”

“噢，她之所以心烦意乱，是因为她谢幕时只收到九束鲜花。”另一个女人答道。

“九束！”第一个女演员惊叫道，“那相当不错了，不是吗？”

“是的，”她的朋友回答说，“但她付的是十束鲜花的钱。”

8 Out of Luck

The man in the jail asked a newcomer why he was imprisoned there.

The newcomer replied,“I think I was out of luck. A few days ago I was walking in the street when I saw a piece of rope. I thought no one wanted it, so I picked it up and took it home. ”

“But it was not against the law! ”

“I told you I was out of luck, didn’t I？ ”the man sighed,“The trouble was that I didn’t notice there was an ox at the other end of that rope. ”

运气不好

牢房里，一个人问新来的犯人为什么被关在那里。

新来的犯人回答说：“我想我是运气不好。几天前，我正在街上走时，看到一截绳子，以为没有人要，就拾起来，带回了家。”

“可这不违法啊！”

“我告诉过你我运气不好，对吗？”那个人叹道，“问题是我没有注意到绳子那头还有一头牛。”

9 Old Age Eyesight

The old man Sam was a witness in a burglary trial. The defence lawyer asks Sam,“Did you see my client commit this burglary？ ”

“Yes, ”says Sam,“I saw him plainly take the goods. ”

The lawyer asks Sam again,“Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime？ ”

“Yes, ”says Sam,“I saw him do it. ”

Then the lawyer asks Sam,“Sam listen, you are 70 years old and your eyesight probably is bad. Just how far can you see at night？ ”

Sam says,“I can see the moon, how far is that？ ”

老年人的视力

老人萨姆是一起入室抢劫案件的目击证人。辩护律师问萨姆：“你看到我的当事人犯案了吗？”

“是的，”萨姆说，“我清楚地看见他拿走了那些东西。”

律师再问萨姆：“萨姆，案件发生在晚上，你确定你看到我的当事人犯案了吗？”

“是的，”萨姆说，“我看见他作案了。”

然后律师问萨姆：“萨姆，你听好，你已经七十岁了，你的视力很可能不好。在晚上你能看到多远啊？”

萨姆说：“我可以看见月亮，那有多远？”

10 Death in the Family

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend, he comments,“You look terrible. What’s the problem？ ”

“My mother died in June, ”he said,“and left me ＄10, 000. ”

“Gee, that’s tough. ”he replied.

“Then in July, ”the friend continued,“my father died, leaving me ＄50, 000. ”

“Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed. ”

“And last month, my aunt died, and left me ＄15, 000. ”

“Three close family members lost in three months？ How sad. ”

“Then this month, ”continued the friend,“nothing! ”

家庭中的死亡

在酒吧，一个男人看见他的朋友坐在桌边独自喝酒。

他走到朋友身边说：“你看起来很糟糕。出了什么事？”

“我母亲在六月去世了，”他说，“留给我一万美元。”

“呃，这可真糟糕。”他回应着。

“然后七月的时候，”朋友继续说，“我父亲死了，留给我五万美元。”

“哇，两个月内双亲相继死去，难怪你这么悲伤。”

“上个月我姑妈过世了，留给我一万五千美元。”

“在三个月内失去三个亲近的家人？真悲惨。”

“然后在这个月，”朋友继续道，“什么都没有！”

11 Take off Cap

Two men are playing golf one day. As they are about to start one of the holes, a funeral procession goes by on the road beside the course. One of the golfers, Harry, takes off his cap and stands with his cap to his chest, and waits for the entire procession to go by. He then puts his cap back on and proceeds to tee off.

“Gee Harry, that was a very nice gesture on your part. It was very thoughtful and respectful of you to do that.”his friend says.

“Well, ”Harry replies,“I was married to her for 40 years, it was the least I could do. ”

摘帽

一天，两个男人在玩高尔夫球。正当他们准备开始打一个洞时，一个葬礼队伍从路边经过。其中一个叫哈利的男人摘下了他的帽子，并将帽子放在胸前。站着等行进的队伍走过，接着他又戴上了他的帽子，开始发球。

“哈利，你做了一个非常好的手势，你这样做很体贴和恭谦。”他的朋友说。

“啊，”哈利回答，“我和她结婚四十年，这是我最后能做的了。”

12 Very Busy

An American visiting a remote area in South America became sick.“I have to see a doctor. ”he told a local,“How can I be sure of getting a good one？”

“It’s easy.”was the reply,“Every time a doctor loses a patient,it’s our law that he must f ly a balloon above his office.”

So the American began his search. One doctor f lew twenty balloons, another thirty. Finally the American found an office that was flying only eight, and went in.

“You’ll have to wait, ”the doctor told him,“for someone who only started practice yesterday, I’ve been very busy.”

太忙

一名美国人在游览南美洲一个偏僻地区时病了。“我得去看医生。”他对一个当地人说，“怎样才能确保找到一位好医生呢？”

对方回答说：“这很容易。我们的法律规定，医生每医死一个病人，就得在诊所上方升起一只气球。”

于是，这个美国人就开始四处寻找。一家诊所上悬着二十只气球，另一家悬着三十只。最后，他发现一家只悬着八只气球，就走了进去。

“你得等，”医生对他说，“我昨天才开业，一直很忙。”

13 Doggie Funeral

This rich man died and left in his will that when his dog died he was to have a funeral, and who ever did the funeral would get a million dollars.

When the dog died, the executor started asking various faiths of the cloth if they would do the funeral. All refused. Finally, he asked this old country preacher if he would do the funeral.“Why brother—I don’t do dogs funerals!”

“OK. ”the executor replied,“But the one who does this funeral gets a fat two million dollars! ”The preacher replied,“Now, wait a minute—you didn’t tell me this dog was a Christian!”

狗的葬礼

富翁去世了，在他的遗嘱中表示，他的狗死之后需要举办一场葬礼，操办这场葬礼的人将会得到一百万美金。

那只狗死后，遗嘱执行人询问了各个教派的教士是否愿意举办这场葬礼。所有人都拒绝了。最后，他问城中一位老布道者是否愿意举办。“兄弟——我可不会为狗举办葬礼！”

“好吧，”执行人回道，“但是举办葬礼的人将会得到两百万美金的厚礼啊！”

布道者一听马上说：“等一下——你可没告诉我这只狗原来是个天主教徒啊！”

14 What the Problem Is

One of my fellow midshipmen at the U. S. Naval Academy was performing poorly in class and reported to his company officer for counseling. “Your marks are deplorable!”the officer scolded,“Is there a problem that has kept you from studies？”

“No, sir,”the midshipman replied,“I have no idea what the problem is. I study the notes I take, and I’m never late to class. I don’t even talk in class, but for some reason my professors don’t seem to like me. ”

The officer sat back and thought. Then he asked,“Do you get enough sleep？”

My classmate replied,“Sir, do you mean at night or in class？”

问题所在

我有个美国海军学院候补军官同伴，学业很差。他到尉官那里进行咨询。“你的分数糟透了！”尉官责备说，“有什么问题阻碍你学习吗？”

“没有，先生，”候补军官回答说，“我搞不清是什么问题。我攻读自己记的笔记，上课从不迟到，甚至上课也不说话，但教授们好像就是不喜欢我。”

军官向后一靠，想了想，然后问道：“你睡眠充足吗？”

我的同学回答说：“先生，你是说夜里还是课堂上？”

15 An Englishman

Once late at night, an Englishman came out of his room into the corridor of a hotel and asked the servant to bring him a glass of water. The servant did as he asked. The Englishman reentered his room, but a few minutes later he came into the corridor again and once more asked the servant for glass of water. The servant brought him another glass of water. Every few minutes the Englishman would come out of his room and repeat his request.

After a half‐hour, the astonished servant decided to ask the Englishman what he was doing with the water.

“Nothing.”the Englishman answered imperturbably,“It’s simply that my room is on fire. ”

一个英国人

一天晚上，一个英国人从他住的旅店房间里走出来，来到走廊上，叫旅店的服务员给他拿一杯水来。服务员按他的要求做了。英国人回到了他的房间里，几分钟后他又来到走廊上，让服务员再给他送一杯水。服务员又给他送了一杯水。每隔几分钟，英国人就走出房间重复他的要求。

半小时之后，这位感到惊讶的服务员决定问问房客要这些水干什么，英国人不慌不忙地回答：“没什么，只不过是我的房间里起火了。”

16 The Patient Suffered a Severe Relapse

The patient was convalescing after an operation for appendicitis. His friend asked him how he was getting along.

“Pretty well.”was the answer,“After my first operation, they had to cut me open again. It seems the surgeon hand left a sponge in me and they had to get that out.”

“But you got over that all right.”

“Oh, yes, only I had another operation yesterday. They found a scalpel which had been sewed up in me by mistake.”

“Surely you are all right now, though.”the friend said encouraginly.

But the patient suffered a severe relapse, for just then the doctor hurried thorough the ward saying,“Has anyone seen my hat around here？ I left it somewhere yesterday.”

病情再度恶化

一位病人正在阑尾炎手术的康复过程中，他的朋友问他康复得怎么样。

“非常不错。”他回答说，“第一次手术过后，他们又给我开了一刀，好像是医生把海绵落在我的身体里了，他必须把它取出来。”

“但是你恢复得不错啊。”

“哦，是的，只是我昨天做了另一个手术，他们发现一个手术刀被误缝在我的身体里了。”

“但是你确实恢复得很好。”这位朋友鼓励道。

但是这个病人的病情再度恶化了，过了一会儿，医生急匆匆走进病房说：“有谁看到我的帽子了？我昨天不知道把它落在哪里了。”

17 Making All the People Happy

Due to a mix‐up on Grammy night, Madonna, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera are forced to share a private jet in order to arrive in time for the ceremony.

Once up in the air, Madonna pulls out a ＄1000 bill and says,“I’m going to throw this ＄1000 bill out the window and make someone down below very happy. ”

Not to be outdone, Britney ripped ＄1000 bill in half and threw it out the window, saying,“Look, I just made two people really happy. ”

Not even noticing Britney’s stupid move, Christina bragged, “Look, I’m going to throw 1000 ＄1 bills and make a lot more people a little happier. ”

At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and can’t stand it anymore, comes out and says,“I think I’ll throw all three of you out of this plane and make all the people happy. ”

使所有人都高兴

由于格莱美颁奖委员会的失误，麦当娜、布兰妮·斯皮尔斯和克里斯蒂娜·阿奎莱拉被迫共同乘坐一架私人喷气飞机赶去颁奖典礼。

飞机起飞后，麦当娜扔出了一千美元的支票说：“我把这一千美元的支票从窗户扔出去，能让地面上的某个人很开心。”

不想被麦当娜的风头压过去，布兰妮把一张一千美元的支票撕成两半，从窗户扔了出去，说：“看，我会让两个人很开心。”

克里斯蒂娜甚至没有意识到布兰妮愚蠢的举动，在一边吹牛说：“看吧，我要扔下一千张一美元的支票，这会让更多的人开心！”

这时，那个偶然听到整个吹嘘攀比过程的飞行员再也忍不住了，说：“我觉得我把你们三个扔下去的话，会让所有人开心。”

18 God Will Pay the Bill

A man was brought to the hospital, and taken quickly in for emergency surgery. The operation went well, and as the man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

“Mr. Jack, you’re going to be just fine, ”said the nun, gently patting his hand,“we do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance？”

“No, I’m not. ”the man whispered hoarsely.

“Can you pay in cash？”persisted the nun.

“I’m afraid I cannot, Sister.”

“Well, do you have any close relatives？”the nun continued.

“Just my sister in New York.”he volunteered,“But she’s a spinster nun.”

“Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Jack. Nuns are not‘spinsters’; they are married to God.”

“Really？ Wonderful.”said Jack,“In that case, you can send the bill to my brother‐in‐law!”

上帝付药费

一个男子被紧急送到手术急救室。手术很成功，他苏醒后，身旁守候的修女安慰着他。

“杰克先生，一切都会好起来的。”修女一边轻轻地拍着他的手一边说道，“但是我们想知道你怎么来付医药费呢，你有保险吗？”

“没有。”杰克喉咙嘶哑，低声说道。

“能付现金吗？”修女接着问。

“恐怕不能，修女。”

“那么，你有近亲吗？”修女继续问。

“只有一个妹妹在纽约，”他提到，“但是，她是修女，还没有结婚。”

“哦，我必须更正一下，修女不是未婚者，修女嫁给了上帝。”

“是真的吗？太棒了，”杰克说，“要是那样的话，你可以把医药费寄给我的妹夫！”

19 Upsetting the Stewardess

On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks,“And get me a coke, you cow! ”

The stewardess, flustered, brings back a coke for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her, the parrot drains its glass and bawls,“And get me another coke! ”

Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another coke but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man tries the parrot’s approach.

“I’ve asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now you old goat! ”

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards.

Plunging downwards, the parrot turns to him and says,“For someone who can’t fly, you’ve got some guts! ”

让空姐慌张

登机后，一名男子非常吃惊地看到他旁边坐着一只系着安全带的鹦鹉。他向空姐要了一杯咖啡，于是鹦鹉也咯咯地叫道：“给我来一杯可乐，你这头母牛！”

慌张的空姐给鹦鹉端回来一杯可乐却忘了端咖啡。

当男子指出空姐的疏忽时，鹦鹉喝掉了它那杯饮料，大声叫道：“再给我来杯可乐！”

由于非常不安，这位姑娘摇摇晃晃地端回来另一杯可乐但仍然忘了咖啡。

这个男人对这样的失责感到很不满，于是试着用鹦鹉的口气说：“我已经叫了两次咖啡！现在快去给我拿来，你这头老山羊！”

然后，他和这只鹦鹉被两名强壮的男乘务员一把拎起来扔出了紧急出口。

下降过程中鹦鹉对他说：“对于不会飞的人来说，你还真够胆！”

20 Quick Fix

When old Mr. O’Leary died, an elaborate wake was planned. In preparation, Mrs. O’Leary called the undertaker aside for a little private talk.

“Please be sure to secure his toupee to his head very securely. No one but me knew he was bald, ”she confided,“and he could never rest in peace if anyone found out. Our friends from the old country are sure to hold his hands and touch his head before they’re through paying their last respects. ”

“Rest assured, Mrs. O’Leary, ”comforted the undertaker.“I’ll fix it so that toupee will never come off. ”

Sure enough, the day of the wake the old timers were giving the corpse quite a going‐over, but the toupee stayed firmly in place. At the end of the day, a delighted Mrs. O’Leary offered the undertaker an extra hundred bucks for handling the matter so efficiently.

“Oh, I couldn’t possibly accept your money. ”protested the undertaker,“What’s five nails？”

快速固定

年迈的奥列瑞先生故去时，大家精心准备了守丧计划。准备时，奥列瑞太太把承办人叫到一边，做了一次私下交谈。

“请千万要注意把他头上戴的假发保护好，除了我还没有人知道他是秃顶。”奥列瑞太太倾诉道，“如果有谁知道此事，我先生会难以安息的。在我们家乡来的朋友们最后和他道别之前，他们肯定要握他的手，摸他的头的。”

“放心吧，奥列瑞太太，”承办人安慰道，“我会处理好他的假发，绝不会掉下来的”。

果真如此，守丧那天，虽然奥列瑞先生的尸体被一群老古董们折腾了个遍，但那顶假发仍很牢固。那天结束后，高兴的奥列瑞太太为奖励承办人的办事效率高，额外地给了他几百元钱。

“我不能要你的钱，”承办人坚持道，“不就是五个钉子的事吗？”

21 Lawyer

A successful lawyer parked his brand‐new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver’s side.The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined.

When the lawyer f inally calmed down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head.“I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are.”he said,“You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else.”

“How can you say such a thing？”asked the lawyer.

The cop replied,“Don’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down？ It must have been torn off when the truck hityou.”

“My God!”screamed the lawyer,“Where’s my Rolex？”

律师

一位功成名就的律师将一辆崭新的凌志轿车停在办公室门前，准备向同事们炫耀一番。他正开门下车时，一辆卡车擦边而过，撞掉了新车驾驶室的门。律师马上抓起手机，拨打911。不到几分钟，一名警察驱车赶来了。

还没等警官发问，律师就开始歇斯底里尖叫起来。他昨天刚买的凌志轿车，现在彻底报废了。

当律师最终从大喊大叫中平静下来后，警官摇了摇头，说：“我简直不敢相信，你们这些律师这么利欲熏心。你把注意力都集中在财产上，没有注意到其他东西。”

“你怎么能这样说呢？”律师问。

警官回答说：“你不知道自己的左臂从肘部以下都没了吗？肯定是卡车撞到车门时把它也给扯掉了。”

“我的上帝！”律师尖叫道，“我的劳力士表哪去了？”

22 It's Getting Worse

There is a ship that goes out to send crashes. Six people, one woman and five men, survive and use a safety raft to float to this deserted island.

Well, after spending six weeks on the island, they all begin to get really lonely—sexually deprived lonely. So they come to this agreement. All of the men will marry the one woman for a week. So the first man has her for one week, the second man has her for the second week, and so on.

Everyone will now be getting sex and they all agree to it. This goes on for five years and every one is happy. Each man gets sex every fifth week and the woman get to have sex whenever she wants with a different man every week.

Well, a few weeks into the fifth year, the woman dies!

Well, the first week is pretty bad, the second week is still pretty bad, the third week it’s getting worse, the fourth week things are just bad, really bad, and the fifth week it is just auful, it’s getting so very very very bad that...

They just had to bury her.

更糟了

一艘船出海触礁。有六个人（一个女人及五个男人）幸存，他们乘救生艇飘到了这座荒岛。在岛上过了六个礼拜后，他们开始觉得非常寂寞——缺少性生活的寂寞。于是他们达成了这项协议。

所有男人可以娶这个女人一星期。所以第一人在第一周拥有她，第二人在第二周拥有她，以此类推。每个人都能得到满足所以他们同意了。这样持续了五年大家都过得很快乐。每个人可以每五周拥有一周性生活。而女人也可以在每周需要时和不同的人温存。

然而好景不常，在迈入第五年的几周后，女人死了！

第一周很难过，第二周还是很难过，第三周更难过，第四周实在非常难过，而第五周简直糟透了，实在是糟糕得无法忍受……

他们只好把她埋了。

23 A LittIe Boy

There was once a clairvoyant little boy who could foresee the future. One night while saying his prayers, the little boy was heard to finish,“God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma, goodbye grandpa. ”

The next day his grandfather dropped dead of a heart attack.

A few weeks later, the little boy was praying,“God bless mommy, God bless daddy, goodbye grandma. ”

The next day his poor grandmother was hit by a bus while crossing the street—she never felt a thing.

A month or so later, the little boy was praying and said,“God bless mommy, goodbye daddy. ”

His father paniced. He had himself driven, very carefully and slowly, to work, by an armed guard in an armored security truck he hired.

He couldn’t concentrate, however, thinking about those words,“Goodbye daddy. ”He finally came home early, but very carefully.

He was met at the front door by his wife, who said,“What do you think happened today, dear？ The most awful thing—the milkman dropped dead on the back porch. ”

小男孩

有一个小男孩能够预知未来。

某个晚上在小男孩祷告时，他说着：“上帝啊，请保佑妈咪、爹地、外婆。再见，外公。”

隔天，小男孩的外公因心脏病过世。

几周后，小男孩祷告：“上帝啊，请保佑妈咪、爹地。再见，外婆。”

隔天，外婆在过街时被公共汽车撞到，当场死亡。

大约一个月过后，当小男孩在祷告时，他说：“上帝请保佑妈咪。再见，爹地”。

他的父亲吓得要死，他很谨慎小心地开车上班，还请了一个武装的保镖开着装甲战车保护他。但他无法集中精神做事，脑中一直浮现那句话，“再见，爹地”。

最后他提早下班回家，非常小心的，他在门口时碰到他的老婆。

她说：“亲爱的，你知道今天发生了什么吗？真是太惨了，送牛奶的竟然死在我们后走廊里。”

24 Two Men

Two men waiting at the Pearly Gates strike up a conversation.“How did you die？ ”the first man asks the second.

“I froze to death.”says the second.

“That’s awful.”says the first man,“How does it feel to freeze to death？”

“It’s very uncomfortable at first.”says the second man,“You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it’s a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you’re sleeping. How about you？ How did you die？”

“I had a heart attack.”says the first man,“You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting. I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there, either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.”

The second man shakes his head.“That’s so ironic.”he says.

“What do you mean？”asks the first man.

“If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we’d both still be alive.”

两个男人

天堂门外有两个男人在等待着，他们俩聊起来。“你是怎么死的？”第一个男人问第二个。

“我是冻死的。”第二个说。

“真可怕，”第一个人说，“冻死是什么感觉？”

“开始很不舒服，”第二个人说，“身体颤抖，所有的手指和脚趾都疼，但是最终走得很平静，身体麻木，有一种漂浮的感觉，就像睡梦中一样。你呢？你是怎么死的？”

“我是心脏病发作死的，”第一个人说，“我知道老婆有外遇，于是，有一天我没有告诉她就回家了。我跑到楼上的卧室，发现她一个人在那里织毛线。我跑到地下室，也没有人藏在那里。我跑到二楼，还是没有发现别人。我用最快速度跑到楼顶，我刚要爬上去，就心脏病突发，然后就死了。”

第二个人摇摇头，“这真是讽刺啊。”他说。

“为什么这样说啊？”第一个人说。

“要是你停下来检查一下冰柜，我们俩兴许都还会活着。”

25 The Deaf Collector

The mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were“protecting”. Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job—if he were to get caught, he wouldn’t be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.

Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picked up over ＄80, 000. He got greedy, decided to keep the money and stashed it in a safe place.

The mafia soon realized that their collection was late, and sent some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods found the deaf collector and asked him where the money was. The deaf collector couldn’t communicate with them, so the mafia dragged the guy to an interpreter.

The mafia hood said to the interpreter,“Ask him where the money is.”

The interpreter signed,“Where’s the money？”

The deaf replied,“I don’t know what you are talking about.”

The interpreter told the hood,“He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about. ”

The hood pulled out a pistol and placed it in the ear of the deaf collector,“Now ask him where the money is.”

聋子收钱

黑手党正在找一个人，从每周受到他们“保护”的商贩那里收钱。他们害怕会被警察发现，于是决定用一个聋子——即使聋子被捕，在警察面前也说不出什么事。

头一周，聋子收的钱超过八万美金。他贪起来了，决定据为已有，就把钱藏了起来。

钱迟迟没到，黑手党很快觉得事有蹊跷，就派他们的人寻找聋子。这些人找到聋子问钱在哪里。聋子无法跟他们交流，他们就把聋子拽到一个手语翻译面前。

黑手党的人对翻译说：“问他钱在哪儿。”

手语翻译做手势：“钱在哪里？”

聋子回复：“我不明白你们在说什么。”

翻译告诉黑手党：“他说他不明白你们在说什么。”

黑手党掏出手枪摁进聋子的耳朵，“再问钱在哪儿。”

26 A Nice Stone

Sometime after Colin died, his widow, Lily, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.

“Colin thought of everything. ”she told her firends,“Just before he died, Colin handed me three envelopes.‘Lily,’he told me,‘I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly that I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace. ’”

“What was in the envelopes？”her friends asked.

“The first envelope contained $5000 with a note‘Please use this money to buy a nice casket’. So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Paul is resting comfortably. ”

“The second envelope contained $10000 with a note‘Please use this for a nice funeral’. I arranged Colin a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending. ”

“And the third envelope？”asked her friends.

“The third envelope contained $30000 with a note‘Please use this to buy a nice stone’. ”

Holding her hand in the air, Lily said,“So, do you like my stone？”showing off her 10 carat diamond ring.

上好的石头

科林死后过了一段时间，遗孀莉莉最终觉得是时候跟大伙说说她的丈夫多么体贴多么好了。

“科林什么事情都安排好了，”莉莉跟朋友们说，“临死时，科林给我三个信封。‘莉莉，’他说，‘这三个信封里装有我的遗愿。我死后请你打开，按照我说的去做，那样我就安息了。’”

“信封里装的什么愿望啊？”朋友们问。

“第一个信封里面有5000美元和一张纸条‘请用这些钱买一副好棺材’。我就买了一副有舒适衬里的红木棺材，漂亮大方，我知道科林躺在里面一定很舒适。

“第二个信封里面有1万美元和一张纸条，第二张条上写着，‘请用这些钱办一个像样的葬礼。我就为科林张罗了一个体面的葬礼，买了所有科林最爱吃的东西跟出席葬礼的人分享。”

“第三个信封呢？”朋友们追问。

“第三个信封里有3万美金和一张纸条‘请用这些钱买一块上好的石头（指墓碑）。’”

莉莉举起手来说：“看，这块石头好看吗？”莉莉边说边秀着她十克拉的钻戒。