上篇 种瓜得豆

1 What Does Mr Jack Want to Borrow

Mr. Jack: Are you using you mower this afternoon？

Mr. Smith: Yes.

Mr. Jack: Fine. Then can I borrow your tennis racket since you won’t be needing it？

杰克先生想借什么

杰克先生：“今天下午你准备用割草机吗？”

史密斯先生：“是的。”

杰克先生：“太好了。既然您不用网球拍，那我可以借用一下吗？”

2 I Could Do It Slower

Patient: What do you charge for pulling a tooth？

Dentist: Thirty dollars.

Patient: Thirty dollars for a couple of minutes’work？

Dentist: Well, I could do it slower, if you like.

我可以干得慢一些

病人：“拔一颗牙多少钱？”

牙医：“30美元。”

病人：“只几分钟的活儿就要30美元？”

牙医：“如果你喜欢的话，我可以干得慢一些。”

3 What Room I’m in

The tourist returned to her hotel after sightseeing.“My memory’s awful. ”she said to the girl at the front,“Could you tell me what room I’m in？”

“Certainly, ”was the reply.“You’re in the lobby. ”

我在哪个房间

一位旅客观光后回到旅馆。她对前台小姐说：“我的记性很差，你能告诉我我在哪个房间吗？”

“当然可以。”对方答道，“你在大厅里。”

4 A Big Surprise

Visitor: Is this a healthy place to live in？

Local yokel: Yes, sir. When I arrived here, I couldn’t walk or eat solid food.

Visitor: What was the matter with you？

Local yokel: Nothing—I was born here.

大吃一惊

游客：“住在这样一个地方是不是有益于健康？”

乡下佬：“是的，先生。我刚到这儿时，我既不会走路也不能吃硬的东西。”

游客：“你怎么了？”

乡下佬：“没什么——我就出生在这个地方。”

5 Pictures for Children

A young artist went to ask a publisher why he had rejected his paintings, he got this reply,“Because we discern a lack of maturity in your paintings. ”

“Then, they can be pictures for children.”the young man suggested.

儿童画

一位年轻画家去问一个出版商他的画为什么被退了回来，得到了这样的答复：“因为我们发现你的作品还不够成熟。”

“既然不够成熟，可以出版给儿童看嘛。”这位年轻的画家建议。

6 Two Drunks

Two drunks were sitting in a bar talking.

One of them said,“Light travels from the sun to the earth at 186 000 miles per second. That’s really fast.”

The second responded.“I’m not surprised, It’s downhill all the way. ”

两个酒鬼

一日，两个坐在酒吧里的酒鬼聊起天来。

其中一位说：“光自太阳以每秒186 000英里的速度传送至地球耶！速度真惊人！”

第二位酒鬼答道：“没啥好惊讶的，一路都是下坡嘛。”

7 The Strongest Man

A guy rushes into a bar and shouts,“Who’s the strongest in here？”

The strongest guy looks at him and says,“I am the strongest around here! What’s wrong with you？”

The other guy politely asks,“Can you help me push my car to the gas station？”

最强壮的人

一个男人闯进酒吧，高声叫道：“谁是这儿最强壮的人？”

最强壮的人盯着他说：“我就是！你有什么事儿？”

那个人客气地说：“请帮我把车推到加油站。”

8 Take Me to London

The pilot felt a gun sticking in his back, and a voice hissed in his ear,“Take me to London. ”

“But we are going to London. ”said the pilot.

“I know. But I’ve been hijacked to Cuba twice before, so this time I’m taking no chances. ”

带我去伦敦

飞行员感觉到有一只手枪正顶着他的后背，耳边传来一阵嘶嘶地说话声，“把我带到伦敦去！”

“可是我们正是去伦敦呀。”飞行员说。

“我知道，我以前曾经两次被劫持到古巴，这回我可不再冒险了。”

9 Running Out of Time

When I discovered my aged aunt climbed over the garden fence to visit her neighbor, I asked her why she didn’t take the less dangerous route down the driveway and up the street.

“Look, ”came her sharp reply,“I’ll be ninety‐six at the end of this year and I’m running out of time. ”

时间不多了

我发现老态龙钟的婶婶爬过花园栅栏去拜访邻居时，就问她为什么不选择不太危险的路径，先下车道再上街道。

“听着，”她敏捷地答道，“我年底就九十六岁了，时间不多喽。”

10 The Mean Man’s Party

The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend to find his apartment, he said,“Come up to 6M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot. ”

“Why use my elbow and foot？”

“Well, gosh,”was the reply,“you’re not coming empty‐handed, are you？”

吝啬鬼请客

一个出了名的吝啬鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到六楼，找中间那个门，然后用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了之后用你的脚把门推开。”

“为什么要用我的肘和脚呢？”

“你的双手得拿礼物啊。天哪，你不会是要空着手来吧？”吝啬鬼回答。

11 Coup

Vacationing on the island of Oahu, we were waiting in our tour bus for some stragglers to show up. A man, obviously not with our group, approached the bus and was about to board. Straight‐faced, the driver leaned toward the door and asked,“Going to the nudist colony, sir？”

“Oh, no. ”replied the would‐be passenger and retreated quickly.

“Works every time.”the driver said with a wink.

妙招

在瓦胡岛上度假时，我们坐在旅游车里等候掉队者。一个人明显不是我们一伙的，走近旅游车，准备上去。司机拉长了脸，向车门靠过去，问道：“先生，是去天体营吗？”

“噢，不是。”想乘车的那个人答道，然后落荒而逃。

“每次都管用。”司机眨了眨眼说。

12 Pushed the Wrong Button

Flying through the Midwest in the summertime means one thing: turbulence. Just after a teenager girl had entered the bathroom, we hit a patch of very rough air. After the bumps had subsided, she exited the bathroom, a look of sheer terror etched on her face.“Are you all right？ ”I asked,“That turbulence was so bad.”“So that’s what it was, ”she said,“I thought I’d pushed the wrong button. ”

按错了按钮

夏季在美国中西部飞行就意味着一件事情：气流。一个十几岁的女孩刚进入卫生间，我们就遇到了一阵强烈的气流。颠簸平息下来以后，女孩走出卫生间，一脸的恐惧。我问：“你还好吧？那股气流可够厉害的。”她说：“原来是气流，我还以为我按错什么按钮了呢。”

13 Apple Tree

One summer, two men, who had come to the country on their holidays, were walking in an orchard. They saw that all the trees were bending under a heavy load of apples, except one tree on which there were no apples at all.

A small country boy was sitting nearby. They called to him.“Come here, boy. Here’s a three pence for you. Do you know why there are no apples on that tree？”

“Of course I do, sir. Because it is an oak tree.”answered the boy.

苹果树

一年夏天，两个人到乡下度假。他们漫步走进一个果园，只见苹果的果实把那些树都压弯了腰，而有一棵树上却一只苹果也没有。

旁边地上坐着一个乡下小男孩。他们大声向他问道：“孩子过来，给你3便士。你知道为什么这棵树上没有苹果吗？”

那个男孩回答说：“当然知道，先生，因为这是一棵橡树。”

14 Three Men in a Boat

Three men were sitting on a park bench. The one in the middle was reading a newspaper; the others were pretending to fish. They baited hooks, cast lines and reeled in their catch.

A passing policeman stopped to watch the spectacle and asked the man in the middle if he knew the other two.

“Oh, yes. ”he said,“They are my friends. ”

“In that case,”warned the officer,“you’d better get them out of here!”

“Yes, sir.”the man replied, and he began rowing furiously.

三人同舟

三位男子在公园的长椅上坐着。中间的一个在读报纸，另外两个在假装钓鱼。他们给想象的鱼钩上鱼饵，放线，并卷线把鱼抓上来。

一位路过的警察驻足观察到这个景象，他问中间的那个男子是否认识其他两位。

“喔，认识，”他说，“他们是我的朋友。”

“既然这样，”警察告诫说，“你最好把他们从这里弄走。”

“好的，警官。”那男子回答说，接着就开始疯狂般地做起划桨的动作来。

15 Placing Stamps on a Letter

A lady employed a maid‐servant being very stupid. She asked her to send a letter, saying,“Go posting this letter, Kelly, on which the stamp was already placed, I’m afraid the letter will be overweight. If it is, place the other penny stamp on it.”

Ten minutes later, Kelly returned. The hostess asked her,“Did you post my lettey？”“Yes, I did. ”answered Kelly.“I hope you didn’t place another stamp on the letter that it would not cover up the address.”“Oh, no, Madam, I didn’t. I placed the second stamp just on the first stamp.”said Kelly.

给信封贴邮票

一位女士雇了一名非常笨的女佣。她让她去寄一封信，说道：“去把这封信寄了，凯莉，邮票已经贴好了。我担心这信会超重，如果会，就在上面再贴一便士的邮票。”

十分钟后，凯莉回来了。主人问她：“我的信寄了没有？”“寄了。”凯莉回答道。“但愿你没有在信封上贴另一枚邮票，那样地址会被挡住。”“没有，夫人。我把第二枚邮票贴在第一个上面了。”凯莉说道。

16 Self‐assertion

There were many people in the bus and no vacant seats. When a woman entered, an old man near the door attempted to rise, but she forced him back into his seat.“Thank you, ”she said,“but please don’t do that. I am perfectly able to stand. ”

“But, madam, let me...”began the man.

“I ask you to keep your seat.”interrupted the woman with the hands on his shoulders.

But the man tried to rise, saying,“Madam, will you kindly permit me to...”

“No, no！”said the woman and again forced him back.

At last the man managed to get up, saying,“Madam, you carried me three blocks beyond my house. I wanted to get off. ”

自作多情

公共汽车上挤满了乘客，一个空位也没了。一位妇女上车后，坐在车门边的一位老人想起身，但她把老人推回到了座位上。“太感谢您了，”她说，“您不用给我让座了，我能站着。”

“可是，太太，让我……”老人开口说道。

“我叫您就坐在那里。”那女人两手按着老人的肩膀打断了老人的话。

但老人还是想站起来，说：“太太，请能允许我……”

“不，不！”女人说完又把老人一下子推到了座位上。

最后，老人终于站了起来，说：“太太，你让我多坐了三个街区。我刚才是想下车的。”

17 Wrong Place

I first met Glen when he came to work for me in one of our restaurants.

After a few weeks, he approached me and said,“Frank, you’re a man of the world, how do you attract the attention of a girl you like？”

I said,“Look Glen, go into the kitchen, find yourself a couple of nice sized potatoes, and stick’em in your underpants.”

A week went by before I saw him again, and I shouted across the kitchen,“Hey Glen, how’s your love life going？”

He walked towards me sadly and said,“Well, to tell you the truth, things have gotten worse since I took your advice. ”

I took one look at him, and immediately saw the problem.“Clen,”I said,“the potatoes are supposed to go in the front. ”

放错地方了

我第一次和葛兰见面是在他在我们经营的一家餐厅工作时，几个星期之后，他走上前来说：“你是个经验老到的男人，你是怎么吸引一个你喜欢的女孩的注意力呢？”

我回答说：“听着，葛兰，到厨房去。找几个看起来还可以的马铃薯塞到你的内裤里。”

一个星期过后，我又遇见他。

我朝厨房里大叫问道：“嘿，葛兰，最近爱情生活还算顺利吧？”

他满面愁容地朝我走过来说：“老实说，自从用了你教我的那一招后，反而每况愈下。”

我好好地看了他一眼后，马上了解了他的问题。“葛兰，”我说，“马铃薯应该放在前头！”

18 Three Months to Live

The middle aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only three months to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check‐up. The Doctor suggested that he should get his house in order, make sure his will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest.

“What will you do for the last three months in your life？”asked the Doctor. His patient thought for a few minutes, then replied,“I think I’ll go and live with my mother‐in‐law.”Surprised by the answer, the doctor asked,“Why in the world you want to live with your mother‐in‐law？”

“Because it’ll be the longest three months of my life!”

最后三个月的时光

一位中年男子在体检中查出致命疾病，医生说他最多还能活三个月，他吓得浑身颤抖。医生要他回去收拾收拾，写好遗嘱，安排后事，计划好怎样才能在最后的时光里充分地享受生活。

“这三个月你打算怎么过呢？”医生问。

病人想了很久，答道：“去和丈母娘住吧。”听到回答，医生感到很惊讶：“为什么想和丈母娘住在一起呢？”

“因为这会是我有生以来最漫长的三个月！”

19 Diet at Lunchtime

Miss Green was very fat. She weighed 120 pounds, and she was getting heavier every month, so she went to see her doctor. He said, “You need to diet, Miss Green, and I’ve got a good one here.” He gave her small book and said,“Read this carefully and eat the things on page 9 every day. Then come back and see me in two weeks time.”

Miss Green came again two weeks later, but she wasn’t thinner; she was fatter. The doctor was surprised and said,“ Are you eating the things on page 9 of the small book？”“Yes, doctor.”she answered.

The next day the doctor visited Miss Green during her dinner. She was very surprised to see him.“Miss Green, ”he said,“why are you eating potatoes and bread？ They aren’t in your diet.”“But, doctor, ”Miss Green swered,“I ate my diet at lunchtime. This is my dinner.”

午餐节食

格林小姐非常胖。她体重为一百二十磅，而且每个月体重都在增加，所以就去了医院。医生说：“格林小姐，你需要节食，我这里有一个好食谱。”医生递给格林小姐一本书说：“认真读这本书并且每天按照第九页上的食谱饮食，然后你两星期后再来见我。”

格林小姐两星期后又来了，可她不仅没变瘦，反而更胖了。医生非常惊讶地问：“你是按照那本书第九页的食谱来饮食吗？”“是的，医生。”她回答。

第二天医生在格林小姐吃晚饭时去拜访她。她见到医生来访感到很奇怪。“格林小姐，”医生问，“你为什么吃土豆和面包？这不在你的食谱上。”“但是，医生，”格林小姐回答，“我在午餐时节食。这是我的晚餐。”

20 Chair

One day Mr. Ruddick was walking in his local park. It was a hot day and he was a little tired. He was approaching his usual chair near the tree in the middle of the park when he noticed a man in front of him.

This man looked round and as soon as he saw Mr. Ruddick heading for the chair, he began to hurry to get there first. Mr. Ruddick was quite annoyed at this and decided to race the man in front. The man got faster; Mr. Ruddick got faster, too.

They were both running as fast as they could. Finally, Mr. Ruddick caught up with the man. He thought he would get to the chair first. The man wanted to stop Mr. Ruddick, but he couldn’t. With a big grin on his face, Mr. Ruddick threw himself down on the chair. His grin didn’t last very long though. The other man held a sign saying“Wet Paint.”Mr. Ruddick looked at the sign, then the chair, and felt very foolish.

椅子

一天，鲁迪克先生正在当地一个公园里散步。天气很热，他也有点累了。在向公园中间他常坐的椅子走去时，他看到前面有一个人。

那人往四周看了看，他一看到鲁迪克先生正在往椅子走，就赶紧加快速度想先到达椅子。鲁迪克先生看见后很生气，他决定与前面那人比比。那人跑得更快了，鲁迪克先生也跑得更快了。

他们都跑得飞快。终于，鲁迪克先生赶上了那个人，他想自己肯定会先抢到椅子。那个人想阻止鲁迪克先生，可是没有来得及。鲁迪克先生咧着嘴一屁股就坐在了椅子上。不过他并没有乐太久。那个人举着个牌子，上面写着：“油漆未干！”鲁迪克先生看了看牌子，又看了看椅子，觉得自己真蠢。

21 Bureaucrat

A bureaucrat was hiking when he came upon a shepherd tending a large flock. The bureaucrat took a fancy to the sheep and asked the shepherd,“If I can guess how many there are, may I have one？”the shepherd thought it unlikely the man would guess the exact number, so he agreed.

The bureaucrat guessed,“You have 287 sheep. ”The shepherd was astonished, for this was exactly right.

“Can I pick one out sheep now？”asked the bureaucrat. The shepherd grudgingly gave his permission. Selecting one, the bureaucrat slung it over his shoulders to carry home.

The shepherd got an idea.“If I guess your occupation, ”he said,“may I have my sheep back？”The bureaucrat was surprised, but figured there was little chance of the shepherd guessing correctly, so he went along.“You’re a bureaucrat, ”announced the shepherd.

Amazed, the bureaucrat asked,“How did you know？”

The shepherd replied,“Put the dog down and we’ll talk about it. ”

当官的

一个当官的在徒步旅行，这时他遇见一个牧羊人在放一大群羊。这个当官的特别喜欢羊，就问牧羊人：“如果我能猜出有多少只羊，我可以领走一只吗？”牧羊人想他不可能猜中准确的数目，就同意了。

当官的猜道：“你有287只羊。”牧羊人惊呆了，因为这的确是准确的数目。

“我可以挑一只羊了吧？”当官的问。牧羊人勉强答应。当官的挑了一只羊，把它甩到肩上就要往家里扛。

牧羊人计上心来。“如果我猜中你的身份，”他说，“我可以收回我的羊吗？”当官的感到惊奇，但想着牧羊人猜中的可能性不大，就同意了。“你是个当官的。”牧羊人猜道。

当官的一惊，问道：“你是怎么猜到的？”

牧羊人回答说：“先把我的狗放下，我们再说话。”

22 Compulsion

A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender’s face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping.

“I’m sorry, ”he said,“I’m really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders I can’t tell you how embarrassing it is to have a compulsion like this. ”

Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem.

“I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst. ”the bartender said,“My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he’s as good as they get. ”

The man wrote down the name of the doctor, thanked the bartender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he’d done a good deed for a fellow human being.

Six months later, the man was back.“Did you do what I suggested？ ” the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine.

“I certainly did, ”the man said,“I’ve been seeing the psychoanalyst twice a week. ”He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender’s face.

The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel.“The doctor doesn’t seem to be doing you any good. ”He sputtered.

“On the contrary, ”the man claimed,“he’s done me world of good. ”

“But you threw the wine in my face again! ”The bartender exclaimed.

“Yes, ”the man replied,“but it doesn’t embarrass me anymore. ”

强迫症

一个男人走进酒吧点了一杯白葡萄酒。他喝了一口，然后把剩余的全泼在了侍者的脸上。在侍者从震惊中回过神来之前，男人却哭了起来。

“对不起，”他说，“我真的感到抱歉。我总是这样对待侍者，有这样一种强迫症不知道让我多尴尬。”

侍者没有生气，他很同情这个男人。过了不久，他建议这个男人去看下医生，分析一下他的情况。

“我刚好认识一位心理分析医生，”侍者说，“我兄弟和妻子都经他治疗过，他们说他是他们见过的最棒的医生。”

男人记下医生的姓名，谢过侍者然后走了。侍者想到他为别人做了一件好事，不禁笑了。

六个月以后，男人回来了。“你按我说的做了吗？”侍者递给他一杯白葡萄酒，问道。

“当然，”男人说，“我一周去医生那儿两次。”他喝了一口酒，然后把剩余的酒泼向侍者的脸。

侍者拿毛巾擦干脸。“看来医生一点儿也没帮到你。”他气急败坏地说。

“恰恰相反，”男人说，“他对我大有帮助。”

“但是你又把酒泼在了我脸上！”侍者大声说。

“是的。”男人回答，“但它现在一点儿也不让我尴尬了。”

23 I Want the Bastard That Pushed Me in

One day a rich guy is having a party at his house. He has everything: money, a big house in Beverly Hills, women, cars, planes, bonds and stocks; anything he wants. The guy is also a little eccentric, and he has filled his pool with crocodiles so at the party, he and his friends are all standing around drinking and partying next to the pool. The guy gets up on the lifeguard tower and all his friends look up.

He calls for silence and says.“OK, the first person that swimming across my pool will get all my money. ”No one moves.

The guy looks over the crowd and says,“Ok, the first person that swimming across my pool will get all my money and my house. ”Still no one moves.

“OK then, the first person that swims across my pool will get all my money, my house, and all my cars and planes. ”Still, no one moves, not even an eye blinks this time.

“OK then, all my money, my house, all my cars and planes, all of my property, all my stocks, bonds and investments and all the girls you can handle: everything I own. ”

“SPLASH! ”someone’s in the pool. Crocodiles are all over him, but he rolls over like Tarzan—he’s all over the place, fighting and dodging. Finally he gets out of the pool on the other side.

The rich guy on the tower jumps down and runs over to him.“That was incredible I never thought that I would ever see that done! Do you want the money now or later？ ”

“I don’t want the money. ”

“Do you want the house now or later？”

“I don’t want the house. ”

“Do you want the cars or the planes？ Do you want the bonds, stocks and stuff now or later？ ”

“I don’t want that either. ”

“Do you want the girls now or later？ ”

“I don’t want the girls. ”

The rich man looks at him and says,“Well, what the hell do you want？ ”

“I want the bastard that pushed me in. ”

谁在捣鬼

一天，一位富翁在他的豪宅举办一个派对。他拥有了自己想要的一切东西：金钱、贝佛利山庄的别墅、很多女人、车子、飞机，还有债券和股票等。可这个家伙还有一个怪癖，他在自己的泳池里放养了很多鳄鱼。在派对上，他和朋友们都站在池边喝酒聊天。这时，富翁站到了泳池的救生塔上，所有的朋友都仰头望去。

他示意大家保持安静，然后说：“第一个游过我泳池的人将得到我所有的钱。”人群中没有人采取行动。

富翁放眼人群，继续说道：“好吧！第一个游过泳池的人，可以得到我所有的钱和房子。”依然没人为之所动。

“那么，谁第一个游过泳池，就可以得到我所有的钱、房子，还有我所有的汽车和飞机。”尽管如此，仍然没人行动，甚至没有人眨下眼睛。

“那这样吧！第一个游过这个水池的人，我所有的钱、房子、汽车、飞机、资产、股票、债券投资和我所有的女人，就都是你的了，我的全部家当都是你的。”

“扑通”一声，有人跳进了游泳池。他四周全是鳄鱼，但是他反应相当迅速机敏，这个人在水中一边搏斗，一边躲闪。最后，他终于成功地游上了对岸。

那个富翁从塔上跳下来，向他快步奔去。“真是太不可思议了！我从来没想过自己可以亲眼见证这一时刻！你是现在要钱还是以后再要呢？”

“我不想要钱！”

“那你现在要房子吗？”

“我不要房子！”

“你是要汽车还是飞机？你现在要债券和股票吗？”

“我也不要！”

“你是想要我的女人吗？”

“我不要女人！”

“那你究意想要什么啊？！”这位富翁盯着他问。

“我就想知道，是哪个混蛋把我推进池子里的！”

24 A Bronze Lawyer

A tourist in San Francisco walks into an antique shop in Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life‐sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

“Ten dollars for the rat, sir,”says the shop owner,“and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it. ”

“You can keep the story, old man,”he replies,“but I’ll take the rat. ”

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him.

Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he’s walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as thousands of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run at full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously.

Now, there are millions of rats, closely following. By the time he comes rushing up to the water’s edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco bay with the other, as far as he can heave it.

Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaking and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

“Ah, so you’ve come back for the rest of the story. ”says the owner.

“No, ”says the tourist,“I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer. ”

铜律师

一名在圣佛朗西斯科的游客走进中国城的一家古玩店，在摆设的物品中挑挑选选。他发现一个做工精细、逼真的老鼠铜雕塑。这个雕塑非常有趣而且特别，他拿起它问老板多少钱。

“这只老鼠10美元，先生，”店主说，“它背后的故事则值1000美元。”

“你留着那故事吧，老人家，”他说，“我只要这只老鼠。”

成交后，游客用胳膊夹着这只铜老鼠离开古玩店。当他穿过店前的街道时，从下水道钻出两只活老鼠紧紧跟在他后面。他紧张地回头一看，开始加快步伐，但每当他经过一个下水道，都有更多的老鼠钻出来跟着他。到他走过两条街的时候，至少有一百只老鼠跟着他了，人们开始指指点点尖声叫起来。他走得更快了，当成千上万只老鼠从阴沟、地下室、空地以及废弃的车里蜂拥而至时，他已经忍不住小跑起来。这成千上万只老鼠对他紧追不舍，当他看见山脚的大湖时，他有些恐慌，全力往前跑。

但不管他跑多快，老鼠总能跟上他，他发出令人惊恐的尖叫声。现在已经有几百万只老鼠紧紧地跟随着他，直到他跑到湖边的时候已经有十二条街那么长的老鼠队伍在他后面。他跳上旁边的灯柱，用一只胳膊紧紧抓住灯柱，另一只手将那只铜老鼠使劲扔向圣佛朗西斯海湾。

他紧抓住灯柱，把脚放上来，惊异地看着如潮水般川流不息的老鼠冲过防波堤奔向大海，全都淹死在海里。

他全身轻颤，喃喃自语，神情恍惚地回到古玩店。

“啊，你是为了故事回来的吗？”店主问。

“不，”游客说，“我想问你有没有一座铜律师雕塑。”

25 Have His Cap Back

Ron with his father went to see Grandmother. In the train Ron every minute put his head out of the window. His father said,“Keep quiet, Ron! Don’t put your head out of the window.”But Ron went on putting his head out of the window.

Here his father took Ron’s cap quietly, hid it behind his back and said,“You see, your cap had flown.”Ron was afraid. He began to cry. He wanted to have his cap back.

His father said,“Well, whistle at once, perhaps your cap will come back.”Ron came up to the window and whistled. Ron’s father put quickly the cap on Ron’s head.

Oh！It was wonderful. Ron laughed. He was pleased. He took quickly his father’s cap and threw it out of the window.“Now it is your turn.”

让帽子回来

罗恩和父亲一起去看望奶奶。在火车车厢里，罗恩几乎每分钟都要把头伸出窗外。父亲警告他说：“安静点，罗恩，别把头伸出窗外。”可是罗恩还是我行我素，依旧把头探出窗外。

这时父亲悄悄地从罗恩头上摘下帽子藏在了身后，然后对他说：“瞧，你的帽子被风刮跑了。”罗恩害怕地哭了起来，他想要回自己的帽子。

父亲说：“这样吧，立刻吹声口哨，你的帽子也许就会回来。”罗恩靠近窗户吹起了口哨，父亲迅速地把帽子戴到了罗恩头上。

哇！这太奇妙了！罗恩开心地笑了！他立刻摘下父亲的帽子扔出窗外，高兴地说。“现在该轮到你吹口哨了，爸爸！”

26 A Theology Scholar

A young girl brought her fiance home to meet her parents. After dinner her father asked the young man into his study for a chat.

“So, what are your plans？ ”he began.

“I’m a theology scholar. ”the young man replied.

“Admirable, ”the father said,“but what will you do to provide a nice home for my daughter？ ”

“I will study and God will provide. ”he explained.

“And how will you afford to raise children？ ”

“God will provide. ”

The men left the study and the mother asked her husband. “How’d it go？ ”

“He has no money or employment plans, ”the father said,“but on the other hand, he thinks I’m God. ”

神学学者

一个年轻女孩将未婚夫领到家里见父母。吃过饭后，她的父亲请那个年轻人进他的书房闲聊。

“那么，你有什么打算呢？”他开口问道。

“我是个神学学者。”年轻人回答说。

“令人佩服，”女孩的父亲说，“但你打算靠什么养家呢？”

“我要学习，上帝会提供帮助的。”他解释说。

“那你怎样来支付培养孩子的费用呢？”

“上帝会提供帮助的。”

两个人离开了书房，女孩的母亲问丈夫：“怎么样？”

“他既没钱，也没工作计划，”女孩的父亲说，“并且他认为我是上帝。”

27 Nothing to Help

A man came home from playing golf, and his wife asked,“How was your golf gone？”

He said,“I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight has gotten so bad that I couldn’t see where the ball went！”

So the wife said,“You’re seventy‐seven years old, Jack! What do you expect？ Why don’t you take my brother along？”

Jack said,“But he’s eighty‐seven! And he doesn’t even play golf anymore!”And the wife said,“But he has perfect eyesight! At least he could watch your ball for you.”

So, the next day Jack took the brother‐in‐law with him to play golf. And while the brother looked on, Jack swung. But the ball disappeared somewhere. So Jack asked his brother‐in‐law,“Did you see it ？”

And the brother answered,“Yes! I saw it, alright!”So Jack said,“Yes？ Where is it？”And the brother answered,“Well, I...I forgot.”

帮倒忙

一个人打完高尔夫球回家，妻子问他：“球打得怎么样啊？”

他说：“我打得挺好的，就是眼神儿不行了，我根本看不清楚球落到哪儿去了！”

妻子又说道：“杰克，别忘了你都七十七岁了，还想怎么样啊？要不你带我哥一块去吧！”

杰克说道：“可是他都八十七了啊！而且他已经不打高尔夫了。”

妻子说道：“不过他视力很好啊！至少他可以帮你盯着球嘛！”

第二天杰克就带着他的大舅哥一起去打球了。杰克挥杆打球，大舅哥就在一边盯着。但是，球还是不知道跑哪儿去了。所以杰克就问大舅哥：“你看到球跑哪儿去了吗？”

大舅哥回答道：“当然，我看到了！”杰克就问：“是吗？那它在哪儿呢？”大舅哥回答道：“呃，我……我记不起来了！”

28 The Bad Day

There’s a guy sitting at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour.

Soon, a big trouble‐making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says,“Come on, man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand seeing a man crying. ”

“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I’m late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it. I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there. I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison. ”

糟糕的一天

一个小伙子坐在酒吧里，盯着他的酒发呆。他保持那个姿势快半小时了。

突然，一个爱捣乱的卡车司机走到他身旁，从他手中夺过酒，一口气把它喝干了。

那个可怜的人哭了起来。司机说：“得了吧，兄弟，我只是开个玩笑，我给你再买一杯酒。我最受不了看一个大男人哭。”

“不，不是那样的。今天是我一生中最糟糕的日子。首先，我睡过头了，上班迟到，我的老板一怒之下开除了我。当我离开大楼找我的车子时，发现它已经被人偷走了。警察说他们无能为力。然后我叫了辆出租车回家，下车后才想起我把我的钱包和信用卡忘车上了，可出租车已经开走了。之后，我回到家却发现我的妻子和园丁躺在床上。最后我离开家，来到这家酒吧。正当我考虑结束我的生命的时候，你却出现把我的毒药喝掉了。”

29 Twins

Daly had been married about a year when one day she came running up to her husband jumping for joy.

Not knowing how to react, the husband started jumping up and down along with her.

“Why are we so happy？”he asked.

“Honey, I have some really great news for you!”she said.“Great,”he said,”tell me what you’re so happy about. ”

She stopped jumping and was breathless from all the jumping up and down. “I’m pregnant！” she gasped.

The husband was ecstatic, as they had been trying for a while.

He grabbed her, kissed her, and started telling her how wonderful it was, and that he couldn’t be happier.

Then she said,“Oh, honey there’s more. ”

“What do you mean more？”he asked.

“Well, we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!”

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew.

“It was easy. ”she said,“I went to the pharmacy and bought the 2 pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!”

双胞胎

黛丽已经结婚一年多了，突然有一天她跑到丈夫那里，高兴得又蹦又跳的。

她的丈夫不知道如何是好，就跟着她一起又蹦又跳的。

后来，他不解地问：“我们为什么这么兴奋啊？”

“亲爱的，我有些好消息要告诉你！”她激动地说。他回答道：“很好，那就告诉我你为什么如此高兴吧。”

她不跳了，刚才着实把她弄得上气不接下气了。她气喘吁吁地说：“我怀孕啦！”

丈夫像刚才一样一阵狂喜。

他抱着她，亲吻她，告诉她再没有什么事儿比这个更让他高兴啦。

然后，黛丽继续说道：“哦，亲爱的，还有呢。”

他又不解地问：“你的意思是？”

“我们不仅仅有一个宝宝，我们会有双胞胎的！”

丈夫很惊讶，不知道她怎么这么快就知道是双胞胎的，毕竟她刚怀孕。

“很简单啊，”她解释道，“我去药店买了两支家用验孕棒，两次测试的结果都是阳性啊！”

30 Letter from Mother

Dear son,

I’m writing this slowly because I know you can’t read fast. We don’t live where we did when you first left, your father read the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved.

I won’t be able to send you the address as the last family here took the numbers with them for their next house, so they wouldn’t have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in, pulled the chain, and I haven’t seen them since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days this time.

The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven’t found out whether it’s a girl or a boy, so I don’t know if you are an Aunt or an Uncle. Not much more news this time, write soon.

Love, Mom

PS: We were going to send you money, but the envelope was already sealed.

妈妈的来信

亲爱的儿子：

鉴于你的阅读速度很慢，妈妈就慢慢写这封信。我们现在不住在你离开时的那个地方了。你爸爸看报纸的时候，总看见咱们旧住址方圆二十英里范围内发生这样那样的事故，所以我们就搬走了。

我现在还没办法给你我们的住址，因为之前的房主为了不用更换地址，把这儿的门牌号直接拿走了。

这里有一台洗衣机。第一天，我放了四件衬衫进去，拉上了开关之后，我就再也没看见那些衬衫了。

这个星期只下了两次雨，第一次下了三天，第二次下了四天。

你想让我寄给你的那件大衣，你的舅妈说如果连它的扣子一起寄过去的话有点儿太重了，所以我们把扣子都拆了放在了口袋里。

关于你的妹妹呢，她今天生了个小宝宝。我还不知道她生的是男是女，所以我暂时不确定你是姑姑，还是叔叔。没有别的事情了，我还会给你写信的。

爱你的妈妈

附言：我们本来想给你寄钱的，但是信封已经粘好了。