上篇 无敌腹黑

1 We Close at Ten

“Waitress,”shouted the impatient diner,“do I have to sit here and starve all night? ”

“No, sir, we close at ten o’clock.”

我们十点关门

“服务员，”顾客不耐烦地喊道，“我必须整晚坐这儿挨饿吗？”

“不，先生，我们十点关门。”

2 Burglars Broke into the House

Poet: Burglars broke into my house last night.

Friend: Yes? What happened?

Poet: They searched through every room, then left a $10 bill on my bureau.

盗贼来访

诗人：“昨晚盗贼闯进了我的屋子。”

朋友：“是吗？丢了什么吗？”

诗人：“他们翻遍了每个房间，然后在我的书桌上留下了一张10美元的钞票。”

3 A Polite Horse

John: Tom, how was the horse‐riding yesterday?

Tom: Not so bad. But my horse was too polite.

John: Too polite?

Tom: Yes. When we came to a fence, he let me go first.

有礼貌的马

约翰：汤姆，昨天骑马骑得怎么样？

汤姆：不错，但我的马太有礼貌了。

约翰：太有礼貌了？

汤姆：是的。当我们要跨栏时，它让我先过去了。

4 Have the Money

“How did you plan your future？”

“I became the partner of a rich man. He had the money and I had the experience.”

“How did that help？”

“Now he has the experience and I have the money.”

致富

“你是如何计划未来的？”

“我成为一个富人的合伙人。他有钱，我有经验。”

“那如何发挥作用？”

“现在他有经验，我有钱。”

5 The Man Is Looking for It

A little boy came home with a five‐dollar bill and said he found it.

“Are you sure it was lost?”asked his mother.

“Sure,I’m sure,”said the little boy,“I saw the man looking for it. ”

他正在找呢

一个小男孩拿着一张5美元的钞票回到家里，他说是捡到的。

“你肯定这是别人丢的吗？”他妈妈问。

“当然，我确定，”小男孩说，“我看见那个人正在找呢。”

6 Egges

“How did you make your neighbor keep his hens in his own yard? ”

“One night I hid five eggs under a bush in my garden, and next day I let him see me gather them. I wasn’t bothered after that. ”

鸡蛋

“你是如何让邻居把他的母鸡关在自家院子的？”

“一天夜里，我在花园的一簇灌木丛下藏了五只鸡蛋。第二天，我让他看到我把那些鸡蛋收了起来。从那以后，我就没被打搅过。”

7 Kept Coming Back

At the insistence of a reporter, a wealthy man finally decided to reveal the secret of success.“I first became rich by selling homing pigeons. ”he explained.

“Really?”replied the amazed reporter,“How many did you start with?”

“Only one, ”the millionaire answered,“but he kept coming back.”

总是飞回来

在一位记者的坚持下，一名富翁最终决定透露他成功的秘密。“我起先是以卖信鸽发家的。”他解释说。

“真的吗？”记者惊讶地反问道，“一开始你有多少只？”

“只有一只，”百万富翁回答说，“但它总是飞回来。”

8 Good News and Bad News

An artist asked the gallery owner if anyone had shown interest in his paintings.

“I’ve got good news and bad news. ”he said,“The good news is that some guy inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after you died. When I told him it would, he bought all 12 of your paintings.”

“And the bad news?”

“The guy was your doctor.”

好消息与坏消息

一位画家向美术馆老板打听是否有人对他的画感兴趣。

“有好消息，也有坏消息。”他说，“好消息是有人询问你的作品在你死后会不会升值。我告诉他会的，他就把你的十二幅画全买走了。”

“那坏消息呢？”

“那家伙是你的医生。”

9 You Should Be Replaced

A famous film director entered a restaurant.

After the meal, the owner asked him for advice,“If I change some of my cooks and their dishes still can’t attract more customers, what shall I do?”

The director thought for a minute and replied,“In our film studio, if we continue to lose audience with the changes of some actors, the director will get replaced. ”

你应该被替换

一位著名电影导演走进一家饭店。

饭后，饭店老板向他请教：“如果更换几个厨师，饭菜仍不能吸引顾客，我应该怎么办？”

导演想了一分钟，回答说：“在我们电影制片厂，如果更换一些演员仍失去观众，我们就更换导演。”

10 How to Get a Seat by the Fire

Mr.Jack came to an inn on a very cold day, and could get no room near the fire.

He called to the hostler to fetch a peck of oysters, and give them to his horse.

“Will your horse eat oysters?”said the hostler.

“Try him.”said Mr. Jack.

Immediately the people ran to see this wonder, and Mr. Jack who alone remained in the room, chose the best seat by the fire and made himself comfortable.

怎样在火炉旁找个好座位

在一个寒冷的冬天，杰克先生来到一家小客栈，发现火炉旁边已经没有空位了。

于是，他让旅店的伙计去拿些牡蛎来喂他的马。

“您的马吃牡蛎吗？”伙计问道。

“你试着喂喂吧。”杰克先生回答。

顷刻间，人们都跑去看这一奇观，杰克先生则独自呆在屋里，他在火炉旁找了个最好的座位，舒舒服服地坐在那儿取暖了。

11 It Hurts

Carl’s mother ran into the bedroom when she heard him scream and found his three‐year older sister pulling his hair. She gently released the little girl’s grip and said comfortingly to Carl,“There, there. She doesn’t mean to hurt you. She doesn’t know that hurts. ”

She was barely out of the room when the little girl screamed. Rush in a back in, she asked,“What happened?”

“She knows now.”Carl replied.

疼

当听到卡尔的尖叫时，卡尔的妈妈跑进卧室，看见比卡尔大三岁的姐姐正在扯他的头发。她慢慢松开小女孩的拉扯，安慰卡尔说：“过来，过来。她不是有意那样做的，她只是不知道那样很疼。”

她刚刚离开房间就听小女孩尖叫起来。她赶紧跑回去问：“发生什么事了？”

“她现在知道了。”卡尔答道。

12 Is He Really Ill

On a hot summer day an elderly gentleman faints in the street.A small crowd immediately gathers around him.

“Give the poor man a glass of whiskey. ”advises a woman.

“Give him a heart massage. ”says someone else.

“No, just give him some whiskey. ”insists the woman.“Call an ambulance. ”yells another person.

“A whiskey!”The man suddenly sits up and exclaims.“Shut up, everybody, and do as the kind lady says!”

他真病了吗

在一个炎热的夏天，一个上了年纪的男子昏倒在街头，一群人马上围了上去。

“给这个可怜的人一杯威士忌吧。”一位女士建议。

“给他做一下心脏按摩。”另外一个人说。

“不，还是给他一些威士忌。”那位女士坚持说。

“还是叫一辆救护车吧。”有人喊起来。

“一杯威士忌！”地上的那个人坐起来嚷道，“都闭上嘴，就照那位好心的太太说的去做！”

13 Sharing on the Train

A Frenchman, an Englishman, an American, and a lawyer were sitting on a train.

The Frenchman offered everyone some of his baguette, then threw it out the window, saying,“Don’t worry, we have plenty of those where I come from.”

The Englishman offered everyone a Sandwich, then threw the rest out of the window, saying,“Don’t worry, we have plenty of those where I come from.”

Then the American threw the lawyer out of the window, saying...

火车上的共享

一名法国人、一名英国人、一名美国人和一名律师坐在同一辆火车上。

法国人递给每人一些他带的法国长棍面包，然后把它扔出窗外，说：“不用担心，在我来的地方，这样的东西我们有很多。”

英国人递给每人一个三明治，然后把剩下的全扔出窗外，说：“不用担心，在我来的地方，这样的东西我们有很多。”

然后美国人把律师扔出窗外，说……

14 Letter from A Fool

Mr. Anthony entered Plymouth Church one Sunday and found several letters awaiting him. He opened one and found it contained the single word“fool”.Quietly and with becoming seriousness he announced to the congregation the fact in these word:

“I have known many an instance of a man writing a letter and forgetting to sign his name, but this is the only instance I have ever known of a man signing his name and forgetting to write the letter. ”

傻瓜来信

一个星期天，安东尼先生上普利茅斯的教堂去，在那里有他的几封信。他打开其中一封，发现信中只写着“傻瓜”两个字。他平静而认真地把这件事告诉教友们，他这样说：

“写信时忘了签名的人，我倒遇见过很多，但只签了名却忘了写信的人，我却是头一次遇到。”

15 To Bury the Goldfish

Little Cathy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky‐faced youngster was doing, he politely asked,“What are you up to there, Cathy?”

“My goldfish died,”replied Cathy tearfully, without looking up,“and I've just buried him. ”

The neighbor was concerned,“That’s an big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”

Cathy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied. “That’s because he’s inside your cat. ”

埋金鱼

小凯西在花园里铲土填坑，邻居在篱笆外看到了。邻居不知道这个神情沮丧的小女孩在做什么，就关切地问：“凯西，你在那儿做什么呀？”

“我的小金鱼死了，”凯西低头哭着回答，“我刚刚把金鱼给埋了。”

邻居关心地问：“就埋一条小金鱼挖那么大的坑？”

凯西拍了拍最后一撮土回答说：“那是因为小金鱼在你们家那只猫的肚子里。”

16 Perfect Project

My friend Debbie was enrolled in a flower‐arranging class. Although she enjoyed the course, Debbie was miffed when week after week the instructor criticized and redid her careful arrangements.

After the final lesson, though, Debbie came home triumphant. “The teacher didn’t lay a finger on my project tonight!”she announced to her husband.

“Congratulations!”her spouse replied,“It must have been perfect. ”

“It was,”Debbie said, smiling modestly,“I made it with thistles. ”

完美设计

朋友黛比到一个插花班上课。尽管她喜欢这门课，但当指导老师一周又一周地批评她并把她精心插好的花重整一遍时，她有点儿生气。

而上过最后一次课后，黛比得意洋洋地回到了家里。“老师今晚对我的设计一根指头也没动！”她对丈夫大声说道。

“恭喜恭喜！”她的丈夫回答说，“那一定是非常完美。”

“是这样，”黛比面带微笑谦虚地说，“我做的是带刺的。”

17 Two Hundred Times

In the traffic court of a large mid‐western city, a young lady was brought before the judge to answer a ticket given her for driving through a red light. She explained to his honor that she was a school teacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case in order that she might hasten on to her classes. A wild gleam came into the judge’s eye.“You are a school teacher, eh?”said he,“Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. Sit down at that table and write‘I went through a red light’two hundred times. ”

两百遍

在中西部一个大城市的交通法庭上，一位女士因开车闯红灯被带到法官面前受审。女士解释说自己是老师并请求法官快一点结案，自己还得赶回去上课。突然，法官的眼神流露出狂喜。“你是老师啊？”法官问，“这位女士，我可以实现毕生的抱负了。坐到那张桌子后面，把‘我闯了红灯’几个字写上两百遍。”

18 Who on earth Lost

Jonathan likes gambling very much. Once he gambled with his boss, saying,“A mole is on your chest, if you don’t believe it. Let’s bet $500 on it. ”

The boss said seriously,“Give me your money. ”Saying that, he took off his clothes, as a matter of fact, nothing was on his chest. The boss got the money happily. He told one of his colleagues that he beat Jonathan in gambling.

His colleague got angry, saying,“Stop it. He gambled with me, he said he could make you take off your clothes in five minutes. And the price was $1000. ”

到底谁输了

乔纳森非常喜欢打赌。一次他和他的上司赌了起来：“你胸前有一块胎记，不信我们赌500块钱。”

上司非常严肃地说：“把钱拿出来吧，你输了！”说着他脱下了衣服。他的身上真的什么也没有。上司得意地收了钱，然后他跟一位同事说他和乔纳森打赌赢了。同事非常丧气地说：“别提了，他刚才跟我打赌，他说他能在五分钟内让你脱下衣服，赌现金1 000块。”

19 The Eager Beaver

Bill was a new employee at the insurance office, but in a short time all his fellow workers began to complain about him.

“He’s an eager beaver.”protested one worker,“He does so much work that it makes all of us look bad.”

“What’s he trying to do?”wailed another employee,“Get a promotion?”

Three weeks later Bill was called into the office of the personnel manager.

“Bill, you’re a good worker, but I have had news for you.”

announced the manager,“We’ll have to lay you off.”

“Why? I don’t understand. I do more work than all the staff put together.”

“That’s the trouble.”

“The staff has nothing to worry about. I’m not going to take away their jobs.”

“I’m not worried about their jobs. I’m worried about mine.”

工作狂

比尔是一家保险公司的新雇员，但是很短一段时间后，他的同事们都开始抱怨他。

“他是一个工作狂。”一位职员抗议道，“他做了太多的事情，使得我们其他所有人都显得工作不够多。”

“他到底想干什么？”另一个雇员附和道，“想升职吗？”

三周之后，比尔被人事经理叫到办公室。

“比尔，你是一名好员工。但是，我有一个坏消息要告诉你，”经理对他说，“我们必须解雇你。”

“为什么？我不明白，我做的工作比其他所有员工加起来做的都多。”

“这正是问题所在。”

“同事们不用担忧，我不会抢走他们的工作。”

“我不担心你抢走他们的工作，我担心你抢走我的饭碗。”

20 Two Soldiers

Two soldiers were in camp. The first one’s name was Cody, and the second one’s name was Dick.

Cody said,“Have you got a piece of paper and an envelope, Dick?”

Dick said,“Yes, I have. ”And he gave them to him.

Then Cody said,“Now I haven’t got a pen. ”

Dick gave him his, and Cody wrote his letter. Then he put it in the envelope and said,“Have you got a stamp, Dick？”Dick gave him one.

Then Dick got up and went to the door, so Cody said to him,“Are you going out?”

Dick said,“Yes, I am. ”And he opened the door.

Cody said,“Please put my letter in the box in the office, and...”He stopped.

“What do you want now?”Dick said to him.

Cody looked at the envelope of his letter and answered, “What’s your girlfriend’s address? ”

两个士兵

两个士兵在军营里，一个叫科迪，另一个叫狄克。

科迪说：“狄克，你有纸和信封吗？”

狄克说：“有。”然后他把纸和信封递给了科迪。

科迪又说：“我现在没有笔。”

狄克把自己的笔给了科迪，科迪开始写信，然后将信装进信封里，说：“狄克，你有邮票吗？”狄克递给科迪一张邮票。

狄克站起身，向门外走去，科迪问他：“你要出去吗？”

狄克说：“是的，我要出去。”然后推开了门。

科迪说：“请帮我把信投到邮筒里，然后……”他欲言又止。

狄克对他说：“你现在又想让我为你做什么？”

科迪看着信封，回答道：“你女朋友的地址是什么？”

21 Fishing with a Mirror

A man saw a fisherman standing in a lake with a mirror.

“Excuse me, ”he said,“but could you tell me what you’re doing?”

“I’m fishing. ”

“With a mirror?”the man asked.

“Sure~it’s a new invention. I’m going to make a fortune. ”

“Could you tell me how it works?”

“Okay, but it’ll cost you ten dollars. ”

The man was so curious that he handed the fisherman the money.“Now show me how it works.”he said.

“Well, ”the fisherman began,“you aim the mirror into the water, and when a fish goes by, you startle him with rays of light reflected from the mirror. The fish gets confused and then you grab him. ”

The man was shocked,“You can’t mean to tell me that’s how you fish. It’s ridiculous! How many have you caught?”

“You’re the sixth today！”replied the fisherman.

用镜子钓鱼

一个人看到一个渔夫拿着镜子站在湖里。“对不起，”他说，“你能告诉我你在做什么吗？”

“我在钓鱼。”

“用镜子钓鱼？”这个人问道。

“当然——这是一项新发明。我打算发大财。”

“你能告诉我镜子是怎样钓鱼的吗？”

“行，但这要花费你10美元。”

这人非常好奇，就把钱递给了渔夫。“现在告诉我镜子是怎样钓鱼的。”他说。

“好，”渔夫开口说道，“你把镜子对着水照。当鱼游过时，镜子反射的光会使它大吃一惊。趁它困惑时，你就一把抓住它。”

这人大为震惊：“你该不会告诉我，你就是这样钓鱼的吧。真荒唐！你已经钓了多少条？”

“今天你是第六条！”渔夫回答说。